Have you ever had a secret that you were just dying to tell?? Usually it's a happy one that kills you from inside... something like a surprise for a loved one, or something you know someone will be proud of you for, exciting news in your life, maybe something that will totally change your and your loved ones lives.
I've had many secrets over the years. Things being "hush hush" was just a way of life for me.
I wasn't supposed to tell people I used to live with my aunt.
I wasn't supposed to tell people that I had an 'other mom'.
I wasn't supposed to tell people my mom hit me or pulled my hair.
I wasn't supposed to tell people why I was grounded again, why I couldn't come out of my room or do things with my friends.
I wasn't supposed to tell people how I felt about my other mom.
I wasn't supposed to tell people about the court proceedings involving my other mom.
I wasn't supposed to reach out to the family members of my other mom after she passsd away.
I wasn't supposed to tell people that my mother often kicked me out, that I slept at whoever-would-take-me-in's house.
I wasn't supposed to tell people my 'family business' at all, ever. "Don't hang your dirty laundry out to dry"- I think that's the saying that was referenced.
I wasn't supposed to tell people I got pregnant, or that I had an abortion. In fact, I was told to clean up and act normal before my sisters could notice anything and ask me about it.
I wasn't supposed to tell people that the police forcefully removed me from my childhood home at the request of one of my parents, the same one who instructed me that I "wasn't supposed to" all of the above...
But all of that was a long time ago... 10, 20, 25 years back. When you are only 30, though, that's all you know. All sorts of things that can mess with a person's mind that are probably not supposed to be locked inside. All of those negative things were pretty easy to lock away. They were bad, sometimes painful, and I thought people would think badly of me- or I was made to believe someone might think badly of me.
Today I have a good secret, a great secret. Better than "We got engaged!", better than "we bought a house!", better than "my husband and I have motorcycles (but shhhh he doesn't want his parents to know)". A better secret than when I planned and hosted a surprise 30th birthday party for my husband at a restaurant with 20 of his closest friends and family. A better secret than planning and hosting a surprise bachelorette party. And I have to keep it for a good amount of time (can't tell you how long, that might give it away!).
This secret, I think about it almost every moment of every day. It affects my life. I am happy about it, ecstatic, overjoyed. And it's bundled up inside. And I'm almost afraid to share it with certain people. I don't know how anyone will react, but for some reason I am anticipating the worst (of course, thank you hereditary anxiety!) . I guess that negative anticipation makes it either to keep the secret.
We shall see how long this lasts....
I've had many secrets over the years. Things being "hush hush" was just a way of life for me.
I wasn't supposed to tell people I used to live with my aunt.
I wasn't supposed to tell people that I had an 'other mom'.
I wasn't supposed to tell people my mom hit me or pulled my hair.
I wasn't supposed to tell people why I was grounded again, why I couldn't come out of my room or do things with my friends.
I wasn't supposed to tell people how I felt about my other mom.
I wasn't supposed to tell people about the court proceedings involving my other mom.
I wasn't supposed to reach out to the family members of my other mom after she passsd away.
I wasn't supposed to tell people that my mother often kicked me out, that I slept at whoever-would-take-me-in's house.
I wasn't supposed to tell people my 'family business' at all, ever. "Don't hang your dirty laundry out to dry"- I think that's the saying that was referenced.
I wasn't supposed to tell people I got pregnant, or that I had an abortion. In fact, I was told to clean up and act normal before my sisters could notice anything and ask me about it.
I wasn't supposed to tell people that the police forcefully removed me from my childhood home at the request of one of my parents, the same one who instructed me that I "wasn't supposed to" all of the above...
But all of that was a long time ago... 10, 20, 25 years back. When you are only 30, though, that's all you know. All sorts of things that can mess with a person's mind that are probably not supposed to be locked inside. All of those negative things were pretty easy to lock away. They were bad, sometimes painful, and I thought people would think badly of me- or I was made to believe someone might think badly of me.
Today I have a good secret, a great secret. Better than "We got engaged!", better than "we bought a house!", better than "my husband and I have motorcycles (but shhhh he doesn't want his parents to know)". A better secret than when I planned and hosted a surprise 30th birthday party for my husband at a restaurant with 20 of his closest friends and family. A better secret than planning and hosting a surprise bachelorette party. And I have to keep it for a good amount of time (can't tell you how long, that might give it away!).
This secret, I think about it almost every moment of every day. It affects my life. I am happy about it, ecstatic, overjoyed. And it's bundled up inside. And I'm almost afraid to share it with certain people. I don't know how anyone will react, but for some reason I am anticipating the worst (of course, thank you hereditary anxiety!) . I guess that negative anticipation makes it either to keep the secret.
We shall see how long this lasts....
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