So, as you can tell from my blog there is a theme lately.
Infertility.
1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy, per the 2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth by the CDC. 7.4 million women, or 11.9% of women, have ever received any infertility services in their lifetime. Couples ages 29-33 with normal functioning reproductive systems have only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month, per the National Women’s Health Resource Center. After six months of trying, 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance- that number is from 1997.
20 years later, even that statistic is out of range- #1 being that people are all waiting longer to start having children (thus they are older) and are having more issues and more time spent trying before conception.
Case in point, my husband and I are 31 and 32 respectively... we started 'trying' at 28 and 29. Currently at the 2.5 YEARS mark of TRYING. When I was not trying at age 18, it took like...1 month. It was pretty immediate- probably the first time I had unprotected sex. At that age, women are SUPER fertile. Men, well they are technically always fertile, from puberty until death... unless they have some sort of issue. No monthly cycle, no very small "fertile" window, no "born with all the resources you will ever have" kind of thing like women are.
So throughout this journey- this struggle- I have encountered many different types of people.
"Just keep trying" "It's your turn next"
"It'll happen when you least expect it" "When are you having kids?"
"Do you guys even want kids?" "You're not ready for kids"
"Maybe God is telling you something" "Maybe you're not meant to have kids"
"Have you considered adopting?" "Trust me, you don't want kids. My kids...."
"Stop worrying about it" "Stop comparing yourself to others"
"When the time is right, it will happen" "If you need a surrogate/eggs, I'll help"
Now, you would think that most of these people are trying to help you feel better about the situation in the only way they know how, They think you want to hear these things.
Most of the things said have an "I feel for you" vibe and could be easily brushed aside even if they are a little insensitive. "It's your turn next" when the person saying it is on their first, second, third child? Varying degrees of insensitivity. "Trust me, you don't want kids, my kids..." Other varying degrees of STFU insensitivity. But both are considered to be nice gestures by the people making them, who have kids already and are trying to cheer you up and make light of the situation. I think that's whats most insensitive, someone trying to make light of your struggle instead of trying to understand. But then again, when you are struggling and other people are not, them saying ANYTHING could be taken as insensitive. But going beyond insensitive, I have felt emotionally abused by one person (not just on this one subject, but that's another convo for another time)... I heard this one this past week from the one person you think would try to be comforting- my mother. She said "You're not ready for kids".
Let me explain.
My 34 year old sister has 2 kids, out of wedlock, lives at home with my parents, my parents raise her kids for the most part. When my mother said this to me, I quickly pointed this out.
ME: Was (sister) ready for kids? Was it "time" for her to have kids? I distinctly remember you saying that it was selfish for her to even get pregnant, that she should have never gotten pregnant, etc etc..
To which, my mother rolled her eyes, made some nasty face, and told me to stop comparing myself. I then quipped back "Was 18 year old me ready to have kids? Was it "time" for me to have a kid at 18 years old"?
MOM: "No you were not ready then, it was not your time or you'd have a child still but you made a decision to live your life without children then and you continue to make life decisions now without children in mind. Such as buying and riding a motorcycle. People who want kids in their life wouldn't do that." WT ACTUAL F.
ME: "I have wanted a motorcycle since I was 21, remember I actually got my permit back then? I put it off because of cost for all these years. My husband got a motorcycle before we were engaged, I wanted one then and couldn't afford it. After we got married he suggested I take the safe riding course and get one so that we could spend more time together, and I put it off because I wanted to have children and it would sit around unused and thus wasn't worth the money- I agreed to tag along by riding on the back of his until I became pregnant. Two years after trying to conceive, I decided I couldn't stop living my life and sit around waiting for pregnancy to grace me so I got a bike. How can you say that me, now, getting a bike... 2.5 years into us trying to have a kid... is me "making a decision without children in mind"??
HER: Well, if you had a kid you'd have to give up riding horses, and that's your passion, why would you want to do that? You wouldn't. So not being able to get pregnant has made it so you don't have to make that decision. It's a blessing in disguise. I really think you need to see the signs that God is giving you. You quit your job to start a new one, it's not a good time to have a kid anyway. You say you make so much less money and fight over it with your husband. Why can't you just be happy with what you have and where you are at and not try to add something else to it? You're not ready to have kids.
ME: Not ready? I got married, bought a house, settled down, made sure I was financially stable... How could I possibly not be ready? How could you possibly say that I make decisions without children in mind when I bought a house with a baby room, and a swingset in the back yard, in a town with good schools? How can you say I'm not ready when (sister) was a hot mess when she decided she wanted to start a family... not even engaged, renting a dilapidated shack that you made her move out of prior to giving birth, living with her (as you call him) 'shit for brains' boyfriend, making $8/hr in a dead-end entry-level job, and you know, overall being WHITE TRASH which is what you called her over and over again. So tell me again how I'm not ready and it's not my time, but it was HER time? Explain this to me.
MOM: You're just comparing because you are angry and jealous. You want an oompa loompa and a golden goose now and you can't have it, you've always been this way. Don't compare to your sister.
ME: OK well if I can't compare to her, how about your friend's 20 year old daughter who got knocked up by her new boyfriend and then he abandoned her? Was it her time? Was she ready? What about crack whores and the likes, drug addicts and alcoholics who have had 3, 4 5, 7 kids and don't actually have any of them because the state takes them away because they are unfit mothers? Is it there time? Are they ready? Did God 'bless them' with children? That's not how it works, Mom. God doesn't give people children. People have sex and they have 20% chance of conceiving a child every time, whether they want to or not. Why are you making excuses and acting like you don't want me to have kids- I thought you love kids?
MOM: I do love kids and I want you to have them - when you are ready.
ME: Enough with this 'ready' crap. I already debunked that, it's not real life. It hurts me to come to your house, it hurts me to play with and nurture my sister's kids knowing full well she's a half-assed mother, knowing that you and the rest of the family raise the kids as much if not more than she does, and above all... knowing that I could and would do a better job. You know you told her that she should have the first child and be happy with having one child, that she shouldn't even think about having another. You know you've told her to get her tubes tied. You know I offered to adopt her second one, Mom. You know it created outrage that she did it again, especially after she said she did it because she 'wanted to start a family' and I told her if she wasn't a moron she would know she started a family when she had the first child. How can you say these things to me, that I'm not ready and it's not my time when I purposely set myself up for success??? I set my family up for success???
And then it hit me. This is directly linked to my mother being a controlling bitch. She used to verbally and mentally and emotionally abuse me as a child, as a teen, and as a young adult- until I broke free from her grasp. And since then, she's used every tactic to maintain some level of control over me. Telling me how to live my life. Telling me I 'lived in sin' for the years my (now) husband and I cohabited... even though we did that because she threw me out because I didn't keep my room clean. Imagine that, a 22 year old who's messy and almost never home! She would constantly only see me if I came to her, she would constantly demand that I spend every holiday at her place. Even after we were engaged, she'd say we should still split up. Even the first year we were married she said it wouldn't be bad to split up on the holidays. I have now owned my house for 6 months... she has been her a grand total of 1 time. She even decided not to come when the rest of the family came for Christmas day. In her defense she was in a lot of pain, stabilized by painkillers she got from the ER the day before. In reality, she told my sister that she wasn't coming because she couldn't help out and didn't want to just sit there and enjoy as a guest. Because, you know, she wanted to control the day even in MY house. But this, my infertility. She feels like she has control over me because I confide in her. Because she has something I WANT. And that thing she has needs her and doesn't push her away like I have. That thing that she has that I want she can use to manipulate and control me. She is always inviting me over, or sending me pictures of the kids and trying to lure me in. She never wants to talk about it, always brushes me off when I try to discus it. She always says the same bullshit things- "you're not ready", "it's not your time", "it's in God's hands", "maybe this isn't in God's plan for you", "stop wanting what other people have".
Sorry not sorry- you can choose to not want and to not have kids, but you cannot deny that we, women, are made to bear children. You cannot deny that our whole lives, internally, are dictated by our cycle. You cannot deny that we are hardwired to be caring and nurturing in personality, that we are hardwired to seek out male intimacy, that we are hardwired to breed. It is in our design, it is in our nature, it is in our genes. If you don't want to embrace it, that's your choice. But I want it, I yearn for it, I cry and lose sleep over it. I want to be a mother, and I won't let naysayers and abusers get in my way, especially not for their personal gain. It is now that I realize, I must cut my mother out... because truly, she never really mothered me anyway.
Infertility.
1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy, per the 2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth by the CDC. 7.4 million women, or 11.9% of women, have ever received any infertility services in their lifetime. Couples ages 29-33 with normal functioning reproductive systems have only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month, per the National Women’s Health Resource Center. After six months of trying, 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance- that number is from 1997.
20 years later, even that statistic is out of range- #1 being that people are all waiting longer to start having children (thus they are older) and are having more issues and more time spent trying before conception.
Case in point, my husband and I are 31 and 32 respectively... we started 'trying' at 28 and 29. Currently at the 2.5 YEARS mark of TRYING. When I was not trying at age 18, it took like...1 month. It was pretty immediate- probably the first time I had unprotected sex. At that age, women are SUPER fertile. Men, well they are technically always fertile, from puberty until death... unless they have some sort of issue. No monthly cycle, no very small "fertile" window, no "born with all the resources you will ever have" kind of thing like women are.
So throughout this journey- this struggle- I have encountered many different types of people.
"Just keep trying" "It's your turn next"
"It'll happen when you least expect it" "When are you having kids?"
"Do you guys even want kids?" "You're not ready for kids"
"Maybe God is telling you something" "Maybe you're not meant to have kids"
"Have you considered adopting?" "Trust me, you don't want kids. My kids...."
"Stop worrying about it" "Stop comparing yourself to others"
"When the time is right, it will happen" "If you need a surrogate/eggs, I'll help"
Now, you would think that most of these people are trying to help you feel better about the situation in the only way they know how, They think you want to hear these things.
Most of the things said have an "I feel for you" vibe and could be easily brushed aside even if they are a little insensitive. "It's your turn next" when the person saying it is on their first, second, third child? Varying degrees of insensitivity. "Trust me, you don't want kids, my kids..." Other varying degrees of STFU insensitivity. But both are considered to be nice gestures by the people making them, who have kids already and are trying to cheer you up and make light of the situation. I think that's whats most insensitive, someone trying to make light of your struggle instead of trying to understand. But then again, when you are struggling and other people are not, them saying ANYTHING could be taken as insensitive. But going beyond insensitive, I have felt emotionally abused by one person (not just on this one subject, but that's another convo for another time)... I heard this one this past week from the one person you think would try to be comforting- my mother. She said "You're not ready for kids".
Let me explain.
My 34 year old sister has 2 kids, out of wedlock, lives at home with my parents, my parents raise her kids for the most part. When my mother said this to me, I quickly pointed this out.
ME: Was (sister) ready for kids? Was it "time" for her to have kids? I distinctly remember you saying that it was selfish for her to even get pregnant, that she should have never gotten pregnant, etc etc..
To which, my mother rolled her eyes, made some nasty face, and told me to stop comparing myself. I then quipped back "Was 18 year old me ready to have kids? Was it "time" for me to have a kid at 18 years old"?
MOM: "No you were not ready then, it was not your time or you'd have a child still but you made a decision to live your life without children then and you continue to make life decisions now without children in mind. Such as buying and riding a motorcycle. People who want kids in their life wouldn't do that." WT ACTUAL F.
ME: "I have wanted a motorcycle since I was 21, remember I actually got my permit back then? I put it off because of cost for all these years. My husband got a motorcycle before we were engaged, I wanted one then and couldn't afford it. After we got married he suggested I take the safe riding course and get one so that we could spend more time together, and I put it off because I wanted to have children and it would sit around unused and thus wasn't worth the money- I agreed to tag along by riding on the back of his until I became pregnant. Two years after trying to conceive, I decided I couldn't stop living my life and sit around waiting for pregnancy to grace me so I got a bike. How can you say that me, now, getting a bike... 2.5 years into us trying to have a kid... is me "making a decision without children in mind"??
HER: Well, if you had a kid you'd have to give up riding horses, and that's your passion, why would you want to do that? You wouldn't. So not being able to get pregnant has made it so you don't have to make that decision. It's a blessing in disguise. I really think you need to see the signs that God is giving you. You quit your job to start a new one, it's not a good time to have a kid anyway. You say you make so much less money and fight over it with your husband. Why can't you just be happy with what you have and where you are at and not try to add something else to it? You're not ready to have kids.
ME: Not ready? I got married, bought a house, settled down, made sure I was financially stable... How could I possibly not be ready? How could you possibly say that I make decisions without children in mind when I bought a house with a baby room, and a swingset in the back yard, in a town with good schools? How can you say I'm not ready when (sister) was a hot mess when she decided she wanted to start a family... not even engaged, renting a dilapidated shack that you made her move out of prior to giving birth, living with her (as you call him) 'shit for brains' boyfriend, making $8/hr in a dead-end entry-level job, and you know, overall being WHITE TRASH which is what you called her over and over again. So tell me again how I'm not ready and it's not my time, but it was HER time? Explain this to me.
MOM: You're just comparing because you are angry and jealous. You want an oompa loompa and a golden goose now and you can't have it, you've always been this way. Don't compare to your sister.
ME: OK well if I can't compare to her, how about your friend's 20 year old daughter who got knocked up by her new boyfriend and then he abandoned her? Was it her time? Was she ready? What about crack whores and the likes, drug addicts and alcoholics who have had 3, 4 5, 7 kids and don't actually have any of them because the state takes them away because they are unfit mothers? Is it there time? Are they ready? Did God 'bless them' with children? That's not how it works, Mom. God doesn't give people children. People have sex and they have 20% chance of conceiving a child every time, whether they want to or not. Why are you making excuses and acting like you don't want me to have kids- I thought you love kids?
MOM: I do love kids and I want you to have them - when you are ready.
ME: Enough with this 'ready' crap. I already debunked that, it's not real life. It hurts me to come to your house, it hurts me to play with and nurture my sister's kids knowing full well she's a half-assed mother, knowing that you and the rest of the family raise the kids as much if not more than she does, and above all... knowing that I could and would do a better job. You know you told her that she should have the first child and be happy with having one child, that she shouldn't even think about having another. You know you've told her to get her tubes tied. You know I offered to adopt her second one, Mom. You know it created outrage that she did it again, especially after she said she did it because she 'wanted to start a family' and I told her if she wasn't a moron she would know she started a family when she had the first child. How can you say these things to me, that I'm not ready and it's not my time when I purposely set myself up for success??? I set my family up for success???
And then it hit me. This is directly linked to my mother being a controlling bitch. She used to verbally and mentally and emotionally abuse me as a child, as a teen, and as a young adult- until I broke free from her grasp. And since then, she's used every tactic to maintain some level of control over me. Telling me how to live my life. Telling me I 'lived in sin' for the years my (now) husband and I cohabited... even though we did that because she threw me out because I didn't keep my room clean. Imagine that, a 22 year old who's messy and almost never home! She would constantly only see me if I came to her, she would constantly demand that I spend every holiday at her place. Even after we were engaged, she'd say we should still split up. Even the first year we were married she said it wouldn't be bad to split up on the holidays. I have now owned my house for 6 months... she has been her a grand total of 1 time. She even decided not to come when the rest of the family came for Christmas day. In her defense she was in a lot of pain, stabilized by painkillers she got from the ER the day before. In reality, she told my sister that she wasn't coming because she couldn't help out and didn't want to just sit there and enjoy as a guest. Because, you know, she wanted to control the day even in MY house. But this, my infertility. She feels like she has control over me because I confide in her. Because she has something I WANT. And that thing she has needs her and doesn't push her away like I have. That thing that she has that I want she can use to manipulate and control me. She is always inviting me over, or sending me pictures of the kids and trying to lure me in. She never wants to talk about it, always brushes me off when I try to discus it. She always says the same bullshit things- "you're not ready", "it's not your time", "it's in God's hands", "maybe this isn't in God's plan for you", "stop wanting what other people have".
Sorry not sorry- you can choose to not want and to not have kids, but you cannot deny that we, women, are made to bear children. You cannot deny that our whole lives, internally, are dictated by our cycle. You cannot deny that we are hardwired to be caring and nurturing in personality, that we are hardwired to seek out male intimacy, that we are hardwired to breed. It is in our design, it is in our nature, it is in our genes. If you don't want to embrace it, that's your choice. But I want it, I yearn for it, I cry and lose sleep over it. I want to be a mother, and I won't let naysayers and abusers get in my way, especially not for their personal gain. It is now that I realize, I must cut my mother out... because truly, she never really mothered me anyway.
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