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Dear Baby... (A letter to my unborn child)

Dear Baby,
Let me tell you about the moment I found out about you.
Momma was seeing a fertility specialist, and learning to take detailed notes and look for signs of ovulation. I was pretty new at this, and it was a lot of work- I focused really intently on it. So intently, I missed the first sign of your arrival. Daddy said to Momma- "Aren't you due for your period?". Oh boy, THAT had slipped my mind! I logged into my old fertility tracking app- which conveniently told me when my period was due- to see if he was right. I was shocked to see it was 5 days late. 5 DAYS LATE- THE FIRST SIGN THAT YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY!
I was in shock. My hand jumped to my belly- could you be IN there?? I spoke with my specialist that day, who said to wait until morning to take a pregnancy test. All day I was in a fog, I wondered if it was finally happening.
I texted Daddy all day, probably annoyed him. I finally talked him into going out and getting a pregnancy test since the one at home was from 3 years ago when we started trying to start a family. I wanted a fresh one, I wanted the most accurate results. Daddy bought a box with 2 in it. When  I got home from work, Daddy and I decided to take one before bed and one in the morning (which is when you are 'supposed to').
We got a BiG Fat Positive that night!!!
The second test spelled it out for us in the morning- PREGNANT.
Momma cried. Big, happy, ugly tears. So happy.
From that moment, Momma has been living her life FOR YOU. Eating well for you, seeing great doctors for you, driving safer, taking vitamins and suupplements so you grow strong and have a great start to life.
Momma thought she loved Daddy, and she thought she loved your big (fur) brother, but there's nothing that compares to how much Momma loves YOU. My belly holds you tight, and any chance I get so do my hands. I'd wrap you up in my arms if I could. I know you can hear my heartbeat while you're in there- did you know that sometimes I can hear yours too? Every time I hear it I am amazed. It is so fast, like galloping hooves. I thought thundering hooves was the most amazing sound, but your heartbeat brings me to tears. I can't hear it enough. I saw it on your first scan- your little HEART. It was red on the screen. You were 8 weeks old, and (sorry but) you looked like a blob. But there it was- the sign of life.... a beating HEART. Every time I hear/see it, I am amazed. Amazed by you. The doctor tells me it is healthy and strong- my little baby is healthy and strong!!
Momma cried when she saw you on the screen- you'll have to ask Daddy how it made him feel. He's the strong silent type. He will do anything for you, and he is so excited to meet you.
I got to see you again at 12 weeks. You had a face then! Little hands and feet, a little butt. You waved at us, and rolled over when the ultrasound tech pushed and woke you up. Aunt Danielle was there because Daddy couldn't make it. Daddy took a new job when we found out about you. He knew it would help us to give you a great life- Like I said, we already live FOR you.
Daddy got to see you again at 20 weeks. There you were, with a defined nose and lips and fingers and toes. I think you looked like Daddy. Daddy found out that day if you were a boy or girl- Momma doesn't need to know until you are in my arms.
Daddy came with Momma to the midwife after that scan. Momma wants you to come into this world as peacefully and stress-free as possible, so we going to try something a little different. Maybe you will be born at home, maybe at the nice facility of the midwife, maybe at a birthing facility at the hospital. We are coming up with a plan, but everyone reminds me that plans can go out the window when labor actively starts. All that I know is that I will do my best to make this easy on you and get you here safe and sound. You are so very fragile to me, even though the doctor tells me you are big and strong. I am ready to hold and protect you when you get here, to nurture and soothe you... I would say I'm ready to be the best mom ever, but I have a lot of learning to do and only time will tell. I will try, I will fail at some things (probably very minor things in hindsight), I will struggle, but I will do my best and then some. Daddy will too. We have waited so long for you to be a reality, and then 9 months for you to be able to join us on the outside.
9 months can seem like a long time. The first 3 months flew by, with not much proof of your presence other than nausea and exhaustion. The second trimester was awesome- Momma felt great, and you grew and grew. Everyone could tell you were in there, since Momma "popped". People like to touch you- you grandmas and grandpas, your aunts, your cousins. They say hello and that they love you. Momma touches you all the time, feels you kick and punch and roll. I try to let Daddy feel it too- but you are coy! Every time I tell Daddy to feel, you stop. I hope his big hands don't scare you, because they will be able to hold you so easily. They will pick you up and lift you high, they will support you when you need it. Momma loves Daddy's hugs and holding his hand. I also love the way his one hand covers so much area of the belly, waiting for your kicks. Daddy is a big gentle giant and he loves you very much. He is not nervous about becoming a Dad, he is so excited!!

Sometimes I feel like I'm still dreaming. Every moment of every day you are always on my mind. I wonder what you will look like, if you will like big (fur)brother, if I made good nutritional decisions for you. I wonder if I will be gentle enough with you, and then firm enough when I need to be. I wonder if I'll be able to stick to my birth plan, or if you will start your life like your Momma lives her life- a little unpredictable. I wonder if I will become a warrior mama bear protecting my baby at all costs, or if I will be a little more laid back- or if there is a perfect in-between that I'll struggle to find.

Anyway, little one. You are now about the size of a coconut and Momma looks like she's carrying around a watermelon under her shirts. All that extra cushion is for YOU. Fur brother is on patrol in the backyard- he is a wonderful guard dog. Daddy is traveling for work, he's trying to get all the traveling done in the near future so he can focus on you and spend time with you when you get here.

Have I mentioned that I- WE- love you more than you'll ever know.... already?!?!
We can't wait for you to make your debut. And one day I will let you read this so you know how very loved you were, are, always are. Love you Baby.
Love, Momma


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