The (NOT SO) Skinny Girl

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that we "waited" to conceive during certain parts of our journey? We got married in June 2015. I had been off birth control a few months and we had not used condoms in years. Technically, we were not 'trying' right after we got married- we had two months until our honeymoon and I was afraid of morning sickness and not being able to enjoy ourselves in Slovakia, Poland, and Italy... especially the wonderful wine... So we didn't actively try until we touched down in Italy, our beautiful, wonderful adventure of a honeymoon. At that point, I didn't know much about my cycle and my ovulation days and what not. We came home, I got my period, and reports of "we're pregnant" started pouring in immediately. A couple who got married a week after us got pregnant immediately, a couple who got married in September got pregnant immediately, two couples who had been married a few years let us know they were pregnant- one with...

Per Graham Allen (AKA the 'Dear America'/Daily Rants guy) [Opens with Papa Roach's "Last Resort"] What if I told you this wasn't just a song? In fact, what if I told you that someone, somewhere, someplace- someone- actually feels this way. What if I told you that right NOW- someone, somewhere, by some means... just took their life by suicide. Did you know that it is estimated that every 16 minutes someone in the US take their own life?Did you know that Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US? An estimated 44,000 Americans take their own lives each and every year. In 2017 we are already over 23,000 American that have taken their own life. Suicide is nothing new. It is in our music, in our movies, in our graphic novels- it has been everywhere for years. Netflix has a hit show called 13 Reasons Why- a story about a girl who commits suicide and leaves 13 reasons why she did it. The original intent behind the series was to bring awareness to bullyin...

This is a serious topic of discussion on 'the right'. Not even the far right... the center right. The " 68 % conservatives", the "Centrists", the "Young Outsiders", and the "Somewhat Liberals".  I don't know what the spectrum is for "political or world views" but I'd have to say I hang to the right and the conservative. Which sounds so weird, because CONSERVATIVE is not really a word I'd  ever  use to describe myself. But I talked about this in past blog posts... today's topic is, are people on the FAR LEFT suffering from mental illness? My psychologist sister would have you believe that everyone suffers from some form of mental illness in varying degrees. I suffer from anxiety which induces depression. FUN! The anxiety is inherited, the depression is what occurs when you stop learning how to cope with new or prolonged anxiety inducing situations. Anxiety is a product of chemical imbalance, it can be trea...

"One Step Closer" was my go-to song during hard times in high school.   My Meteora and Hybrid Theory CDs were practically smooth from being overplayed, the music just flowed from track to track.  I was allowed to listen to this music because it had no parental advisory, and I clung to it.  I knew every word of every song.  I would listen to it while I cried myself to sleep.   I would listen to it while I screamed myself into submission.  I would listen to it AFTER I'd cut myself and was embarrassed and angry at myself for stooping that low.  I should have known that someone who was writing songs that directly related to my fucked up life was writing from experience.  I used this music to decompress, to lift myself up, to blow off steam. What I've Done was the theme music to the first Transformers. Let me just say, my dog's name is Optimus Prime.  The song Iridescent is on Dark of the Moon, and  Linkin P...

One of the things my psychologist noted about me is that I don't say the nicest things... to myself.  I would say things like "I'm a chicken without a head", "I'm scatterbrained", "I'm so dumb", "You probably think I'm crazy/psycho".  She asked me if I do this a lot. Truth is, yeah- all the time. You know how in 'Babe' the farmer guy says "That'll do, pig", and he means it as the highest compliment? I have said it to myself while looking in the mirror getting ready for work. I say it with this face 😕. Not quite a compliment. Even the title of my blog is a backhanded compliment... "not so skinny Jazzy". Yeah, people who weigh more than me think I'm skinny. I sure don't! Apparently, it's not that horrendous of a realization to not be able to fit into your wedding dress 2 years later. Because 2 years and 30lbs= happily married?! This is seriously a conversion I had. This is serious...

Spoiler alert, this is gonna be a really selfish sounding rant. So May is  Mental Health Awareness Month. So, to be aware- that means to understand mental health and thus to have sympathy and compassion for those who suffer. Mental health seems to be the most taboo subject out there. Unless you have a severe retardation, "normal" people don't discuss their mental health. And they are less likely to seek treatment. Most suicides are traced back to some sort of mental health issue.... Depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bi-polar, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. A disorder is a condition characterized by lack of normal functioning of physical or mental processes... so basically it's a lack of being normal? If you actually think about it- the mind is a beautiful and frightening place all at the same time- It's complex. People have gone mad trying to figure it out. And then you add feelings, this thing people call "a heart" t...

DEAR DEPRESSION, I'm tired of letting you steer the boat. I think you ought to jump ship. I want to be the captain of my own life again.... Kindly F**K off. Thanks!

DEAR ANXIETY: Kindly F**K off, thanks!

You don't know oh how important and relevant this thought is to me today. For almost year I have sat pondering my existence, I woke up with a bleak outlook and have wallowed in self pity instead of making moves to make it better. And everyday when I went to bed, I hoped and prayed the next day would be better. I never realized I was missing opportunities TODAY. I couldn't bring myself to the point where I knew that hopes and prayers weren't what I needed- that action is what I needed. Allowing yourself to be consumed by depression, not seeking help, but instead settling into that rushing spiraling void can be DEBILITATING. If you can sense that YOU are having a problem, don't be afraid to reach out. YOU realizing it is the first step. YOU seeking help is the next. YOU getting better is the anticipated outcome. YOU creating YOUR future is the long term goal. :)

This weekend I hung out with my aunt. We laughed, I think she shed a tear, but we had a good time. And I walked away thinking, boy is she passionate. Let me give you some back story..... In 2008 my aunt had an abnormal mammogram [yes, mammograms suck but they save lives ladies] which resulted in a double mastectomy in 2009. At this time, she had 5 children, aged 8-15. She couldn't work, and her husband had to support them all while doing normal everyday life things- like driving them around to sports/activities, grocery shopping, making meals, etc. And then something miraculous happened. The community stepped up and stepped in- people she knew and many strangers who became friends. Meals were brought over, kids were carpooled without questions, someone stopped by to make sure the kids actually ate dinner and did their homework. And my aunt recovered fully. They didn't miss a beat in their lives and were no worse for the wear (minus a pair of boobies). After receiving such ...

I haven't been able to keep up and post something new each day. I know I have over 600 views on my posts, so I'm glad people are reading my stuff. But sometimes living life gets in the way of doing other things- social media is one. I've had a rough few days. Everyone has them. Not feeling well Not thinking well Not sleeping well I haven't even been eating well :/ There's been a very lot on my mind and I think I will be bale to break them out into posts for you. But for those of you who have days or weeks (or even months) like the ones I've been having- chin, there's hope. there's always SOMETHING good about life. Free bagels?? Random compliments?? Making someone else laugh/smile?? Someone else who made you laugh/smile?? Saw a pretty moon?? Saw a pretty sky?? Saw a pretty person?? Puppy wagged it's tail at you?? Baby smiled at you?? Car let you go in traffic?? There's gotta be something. Find one small thing every day. Whil...

Ya know- there's just something that is refreshing about the idea of cleansing.  Cleansing of your sins, cleansing your colon, cleansing your news feed or friends list. Cleaning out your closet/garage/car. Finding all this stuff that has literally been DRAGGING YOU DOWN. People drag you down: Toxic people. Liars. Selfish people. People who are only your friend when its most convenient to them. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram- all full of fake friends and "followers". My mother always told me not to be a follower, that is why I don't do twitter or Instagram or snap. I don't follow people. I'm not a lost puppy. And I try to go through facebook often and see who I could give a f**k less about that is probably just dead weight. "OMG I have 912 friends!" I ran into one of my Facebook "friends" the other day... they acted like they didn't even know me. A very awkward "ooooh hey..." and walked away. Sweet. [delete] #cleanse Objects...

Let's talk about discrimination. Let's talk about judgement. Let's talk about HATE. I am white, female, Christian, American, Catholic, short, loud, outgoing, fun, cute, educated, loving. I have big hopes and dreams, I have educated and yet provocative thoughts and outlooks. I have swagger, I have style, I have a personality. I feel the HATE more than the love. I see how people look at me, I have heard how they perceive me. I have felt the sting of discrimination.  And yet there are so many people out there who would never believe that I too have felt singled out for my thoughts/beliefs/actions/being. To some, I'm as normal as it gets. To some, I stick out like a sore thumb. To some, I blend in or am "tolerable". To some, I stand out or "should be avoided at all costs". Sometimes I feel like people look at me and think I'd be a bad influence. And sometimes I feel like people want to be me. In today's day and age, you have to be a her...

So, everyday at lunch I go for a walk with my coworker/friend.  And we talk about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.  We "talk shop"- work related things. We "talk boys"- about my husband and her boyfriend.  We walk, we talk, it's really refreshing.  But (almost) every day we have a nice little awkward chuckle about one thing... people who honk at us as we are walking. Minding our own businesses. *HONK!* It usually seems to be some sort of blue collar workers in a truck or van. And we have started coming up with reasons why they do this: - They think we look good (obvs) - They fantasize about a white-collar woman - They think white collar women fantasize about the blue-collared guy who's going to fix all their 'problems' - They're dirty old men - They think it's the ultimate compliment - They want us to know we were noticed These are all legit reasons. We are still debating whether it's rude, disgusting, kinda fu...

I took my horses for a gallop out in the field yesterday because clearly they are frustrated with their training (trotting in the dusty ring for 40 minutes to build muscle tone). They got a kick out of it!  :)  literally- kicking up their heels and ears perked. Some times monotony is a mind killer in horses. Sometimes they just need to "horse" more and "human" less. But ya know what? I AM FRUSTRATED. I am sick of doing the same thing every day. Of waking up and knowing exactly what I will do at exactly what time-  and finding no surprises in my everyday life. I want to "human" more. I feel like a machine. I am going  through  motions: 7 am alarm.  Husband calls between 7:10 and 7:20 to make sure I'm up for the day.  Get up.  Poop.    (Threw that in there for the laugh effect.) Eat.  Walk dog.  Prep lunch & dinner.  Get dressed (including doing hair).  Pack riding bag. Commute.  Sit at desk...