So, I have now been a mom for 6 months and about 2 weeks.
I have felt guilt during most of those 6 months. Definitely once a day, from multiple sources.
I think you could call me in particular a Xennial mom. Xennials (also known as the Oregon Trail Generation and Generation Catalano) are the micro-generation of people on the cusp of the Generation X and Millennial demographic cohorts, typically born between the late 1970s and early 1980s. Xennials are described as having had an analog childhood and a digital adulthood.
That being said, I also find that Xennial moms fall right in between the lines in regards to whats acceptable for momming.
What do I mean?
Let me paint a broad picture.
Most Xennials have a higher form of education under their belt- at least an Associates, most a Bachelor's, many a Masters or PHD, etc. Most Xennials are still paying off student loan debt. Most Xennials work one full time job, many have second jobs or "side hustles". Many Xennials are married already, and have a two income household.
OK
Some Xennials are parents. In particular, moms. in an age of "women are as good as men", "women are the future", and "no more corporate hoes, just CEOs", women of marrying and childbearing age are increasingly prevalent in the workforce. Because, women are more useful than just producing children and keeping house. I think we can all agree to that, right? But it's more than that- the women I am speaking of FEEL that there's more to life than bearing children, doing laundry, and making sure dinner is on the table when hubby gets home. And they are NOT wrong. However, they may also FEEL, once they've carried that little bundle of joy for 9 months and realized how helpless it is when it gets here, that their place is by their baby's side. This feeling is, also, NOT WRONG. And that, my friends, is where our story begins.
Most of the older generation felt it was their duty to stay home and raise the children and upkeep the house, and manage the family internally. They were not ashamed to not have jobs, careers, licenses, cars, ETC. They were not ashamed to not have their own income. They were not ashamed to be taken care of by a breadwinning partner in exchange for being the caretaker of the family. Being a caretaker- and most of them were very good at it- was not only expected, but considered your career.
Most of the current generation does not get married straight out of high school, and does not drop out of college to get married and become a wife. They do not aspire to be solely a wife, or solely a mother. They wish to build an individual image and oftentimes a 'brand', and to be successful in this image. "I'm an accountant/engineer/neurosurgeon" comes before "I'm a wife and mom to 3 kids" in casual conversation. I feel like it's a generation of "me first", "treat yo self", and "I'm a (the)BOSS".
Women, in particular, are fighting their primal mothering instincts to maintain their self identity. ME INCLUDED.
Key arguments in the fight include:
I worked so hard to get the [degree, job, promotion] that I can not let up, I can not step away, I can not step or scale back
I need to set an example for my daughter (or son) that mommy is a strong, smart, hardworking, independent woman.
I need to work to prove my worth to the rest of the world, to be a contributing member of society
I am more than the product of my uterus
I can earn as much or more than a man and I should do it
I'm not the only one who can or should cook, clean, and take care of the children
I'm not domestic b*tch
ANYWAY
I am currently undergoing the internal battle. The maternal, mothering, nurturing instinct inside me had awoken and flooded my mind with thoughts of milestones, firsts, daily snuggles and selfies, and watching physical and mental growth occur before my eyes. The housework, I could do without lol. The career driven side of me is reminded monthly that I'm on the tail end of paying off $102,000 in student loan debt- only about $40k to go! The career driven side of me gets emails from job search websites every day, 3x a day, and opens them just to see. The career or independent minded side of me fears not having my own money and savings. The independent minded part of me fears relying solely on someone else for financial and physical stability. I feel like this battle is placed on me unnecessarily by (myself mostly) the 1st world environment that I am privy too. I feel have education and skills that are going to waste because they are not used daily. I feel less hard working because my daily efforts are not easily noticeable. I feel depressed that I am reminded that I bring nothing financially to the table and thus need to be made very aware of the financial situation- daily, actually.I feel depressed that I have a passive "allowance" instead of an earned income. I feel like I should be working and proving my worth to myself and others, and one day to my daughter.
This is the plight of the Xennial mom- the plight to find balance and a happy medium. The plight to not hear everyone else's opinion of what we should do with our lives. The plight to take all of society's judgements on US with a grain of salt. The plight to juggle our happiness with necessity and instinct. The plight to be mom and Wonder Woman, to be proud of who we are and what we've accomplished AND of our choice to create offspring in our image- OUR LEGACY. The plight to correctly mold our legacy into something we can be proud of, and something they can one day be proud of.
I have heard the older generation say "It is a privledge to raise children, to be able to stay home and be provided for". I have also heard the newer generation say "It is a privilege to be a self sufficient woman who has what she has because of her own hard work, and relies on no one".
Molding these two into one person who is socially acceptable to the majority is a TASK. It requires changing many people's vision of the woman in society. It takes people who are willing to do it either way or BOTH ways to make this happen. It takes women who are OK taking a few years off to rear children and then get back in the saddle. It takes compromise and dedication to both causes- both the career and the children. It takes guts, it takes courage, it takes blood sweat and tears.
It's OK to not balance career and motherhood 50/50, but I feel that 50/50 is what we, as woman in this century, should strive to obtain. THAT should be what we aspire to as young children.Why can't we have ALL of the best things life has to offer? Why can't we embrace the roles of woman, boss, and mother into one --should you choose to procreate which is a whole other topic for another day.
I don't want my daughter to have to have an internal battle about who she is a million times during her life. Teenage years are inevitable, college years maybe but again when she becomes a wife or mother? Why is that not the easiest transition of them all? Why is it not the most natural thing we can do- because scientifically speaking it really is. I hate this battle, this struggle between who I am as a woman. Am I mom, or a worker bee? Do I pay my own way, or am I provided for?
I HATE IT.
IT MAKES ME STRESSED, TIRED, AND DEPRESSED.
I am many things in one kinda small package. Not quite bursting at the seams, but all co-exisiting. I want THAT to be me, I want THAT to be enough.
I have felt guilt during most of those 6 months. Definitely once a day, from multiple sources.
I think you could call me in particular a Xennial mom. Xennials (also known as the Oregon Trail Generation and Generation Catalano) are the micro-generation of people on the cusp of the Generation X and Millennial demographic cohorts, typically born between the late 1970s and early 1980s. Xennials are described as having had an analog childhood and a digital adulthood.
That being said, I also find that Xennial moms fall right in between the lines in regards to whats acceptable for momming.
What do I mean?
Let me paint a broad picture.
Most Xennials have a higher form of education under their belt- at least an Associates, most a Bachelor's, many a Masters or PHD, etc. Most Xennials are still paying off student loan debt. Most Xennials work one full time job, many have second jobs or "side hustles". Many Xennials are married already, and have a two income household.
OK
Some Xennials are parents. In particular, moms. in an age of "women are as good as men", "women are the future", and "no more corporate hoes, just CEOs", women of marrying and childbearing age are increasingly prevalent in the workforce. Because, women are more useful than just producing children and keeping house. I think we can all agree to that, right? But it's more than that- the women I am speaking of FEEL that there's more to life than bearing children, doing laundry, and making sure dinner is on the table when hubby gets home. And they are NOT wrong. However, they may also FEEL, once they've carried that little bundle of joy for 9 months and realized how helpless it is when it gets here, that their place is by their baby's side. This feeling is, also, NOT WRONG. And that, my friends, is where our story begins.
Most of the older generation felt it was their duty to stay home and raise the children and upkeep the house, and manage the family internally. They were not ashamed to not have jobs, careers, licenses, cars, ETC. They were not ashamed to not have their own income. They were not ashamed to be taken care of by a breadwinning partner in exchange for being the caretaker of the family. Being a caretaker- and most of them were very good at it- was not only expected, but considered your career.
Most of the current generation does not get married straight out of high school, and does not drop out of college to get married and become a wife. They do not aspire to be solely a wife, or solely a mother. They wish to build an individual image and oftentimes a 'brand', and to be successful in this image. "I'm an accountant/engineer/neurosurgeon" comes before "I'm a wife and mom to 3 kids" in casual conversation. I feel like it's a generation of "me first", "treat yo self", and "I'm a (the)BOSS".
Women, in particular, are fighting their primal mothering instincts to maintain their self identity. ME INCLUDED.
Key arguments in the fight include:
I worked so hard to get the [degree, job, promotion] that I can not let up, I can not step away, I can not step or scale back
I need to set an example for my daughter (or son) that mommy is a strong, smart, hardworking, independent woman.
I need to work to prove my worth to the rest of the world, to be a contributing member of society
I am more than the product of my uterus
I can earn as much or more than a man and I should do it
I'm not the only one who can or should cook, clean, and take care of the children
I'm not domestic b*tch
ANYWAY
I am currently undergoing the internal battle. The maternal, mothering, nurturing instinct inside me had awoken and flooded my mind with thoughts of milestones, firsts, daily snuggles and selfies, and watching physical and mental growth occur before my eyes. The housework, I could do without lol. The career driven side of me is reminded monthly that I'm on the tail end of paying off $102,000 in student loan debt- only about $40k to go! The career driven side of me gets emails from job search websites every day, 3x a day, and opens them just to see. The career or independent minded side of me fears not having my own money and savings. The independent minded part of me fears relying solely on someone else for financial and physical stability. I feel like this battle is placed on me unnecessarily by (myself mostly) the 1st world environment that I am privy too. I feel have education and skills that are going to waste because they are not used daily. I feel less hard working because my daily efforts are not easily noticeable. I feel depressed that I am reminded that I bring nothing financially to the table and thus need to be made very aware of the financial situation- daily, actually.I feel depressed that I have a passive "allowance" instead of an earned income. I feel like I should be working and proving my worth to myself and others, and one day to my daughter.
This is the plight of the Xennial mom- the plight to find balance and a happy medium. The plight to not hear everyone else's opinion of what we should do with our lives. The plight to take all of society's judgements on US with a grain of salt. The plight to juggle our happiness with necessity and instinct. The plight to be mom and Wonder Woman, to be proud of who we are and what we've accomplished AND of our choice to create offspring in our image- OUR LEGACY. The plight to correctly mold our legacy into something we can be proud of, and something they can one day be proud of.
I have heard the older generation say "It is a privledge to raise children, to be able to stay home and be provided for". I have also heard the newer generation say "It is a privilege to be a self sufficient woman who has what she has because of her own hard work, and relies on no one".
Molding these two into one person who is socially acceptable to the majority is a TASK. It requires changing many people's vision of the woman in society. It takes people who are willing to do it either way or BOTH ways to make this happen. It takes women who are OK taking a few years off to rear children and then get back in the saddle. It takes compromise and dedication to both causes- both the career and the children. It takes guts, it takes courage, it takes blood sweat and tears.
It's OK to not balance career and motherhood 50/50, but I feel that 50/50 is what we, as woman in this century, should strive to obtain. THAT should be what we aspire to as young children.Why can't we have ALL of the best things life has to offer? Why can't we embrace the roles of woman, boss, and mother into one --should you choose to procreate which is a whole other topic for another day.
I don't want my daughter to have to have an internal battle about who she is a million times during her life. Teenage years are inevitable, college years maybe but again when she becomes a wife or mother? Why is that not the easiest transition of them all? Why is it not the most natural thing we can do- because scientifically speaking it really is. I hate this battle, this struggle between who I am as a woman. Am I mom, or a worker bee? Do I pay my own way, or am I provided for?
I HATE IT.
IT MAKES ME STRESSED, TIRED, AND DEPRESSED.
I am many things in one kinda small package. Not quite bursting at the seams, but all co-exisiting. I want THAT to be me, I want THAT to be enough.
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