I have joined so many "Mom's Groups" on Facebook since my daughter was born, and I get recommendations every day of another one to join, and another article to read, and another activity to try... the list goes on and on. 'Read this, do this, don't do that'... all with the intention of 'not screwing up the kid'.
The anxiety I get from all of this, from being bombarded both face to face and through the screen, is almost unbearable. And I once worked in both a fast paced office environment and an animal hospital. The anxiety I get about keeping my own kid alive and 'not screwing it up' is overwhelming and keeps me up at night.
I wish I had blogged about this every step of the way, but anxiety feeds depression and depression is a dank and ugly little hole that's hard to climb out of. But, here I am.
Today I'd just like to touch on one teeny tiny little aspect of momming. It's about talking to your child. I was shown a chart of things you shouldn't say to your child, for fear you'll screw them up in the head- and of course, some better words to use. Picture for reference , but either way I want to go over them and if I heard them as a kid and how IT'S THE WAY YOU SAY THINGS that gives them their meaning...
1- Strong willed... in my opinion that's a good thing. As an adult woman, if you are strong willed you're either a bitch or a boss- quite possibly a boss bitch. And frankly, being a 'bitch'is a coveted achievement, as it's lauded to be "that bitch", 100%. The definition is 'determined to do as one wants (even if others advise against it). WAIT WAIT- Isn't that exactly how we want our daughters to be? And furthermore, why not our sons? Especially if they are minorities - think POC. It literally means "really determined"- but it's been slung as a negative term for a child. If you say it nasty, when you are mad, with a nasty tone of voice- then yeah I guess kids will pick up onyour vibe and also think it's a bad thing. But spirited isn't even a synonym! So you are detracting from the actual positivity of th word and replacing it with one that isn't similar... so that you don't accidentally hurt their feelings? I don't get it...
2- Stubborn... actually a synonym of strong willed. Probably the only negative synonym because it suggests that you will not change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so. In this case, I agree that persistent should be used OVER stubborn because it has a negative connotation attached to it.
3-Wild...living or growing in the natural environment; not domesticated or cultivated, not cultured. OK so living and being free in the natural environment, like a graceful and innocent animal is not a bad thing to me, but I love wild animals. If you are using it to infer that your child is not civilized or cultured, that's another tone of voice slight that can harm the child. While they're playing rambunctiously, an "Oh you're wild" as you laugh and enjoy with them is not harmful. If they broke something and you're going to come down on them with a "what are you, a wild animal?!" then you inject the negativity. Energetic is an acceptable and useful term to throw out there to make the point of your statement exactly known. But 'wild' shouldn't be considered a negative.
4- EMOTIONAL... If you are making this negative for CHILDREN then SHAME ON YOU! This is why so many of today's adults have emotional issues, and in turn they repress and suppress emotions. Emotional- having feelings that are easily excited and openly displayed. OMG it is every therapist's dream client! They are open, they communicate how they feel, they get it off their chest, they don't hold it in and let it stew and EXPLODE. I assume parents would say this negatively when a child has exploded prematurely, when they are tantrum-ing over something small. In that case, it is a teachable moment about how to control and express one's emotions. Here is where I will tie in #5 Dramatic because the two synonyms they offer are caring and expressive, which I think are great words to call a kid! But I don't think emotional and caring going hand in hand. I don't think emotional is a BAD THING at all, until you add an eye roll and a sharp tongue to it. And being called dramatic is often associated with sudden strong emotions- things that, again, bring about teachable moments of self control and moderating expressing. I believe I heard "oh you're being dramatic" many many times and it was a negative and a way to brush of my outbursts of feelings, of emotions that were welling up and hard to explain or comprehend. Instead of taking time to discuss the overwhelming EMOTIONS, they were 'poo-pooed' away as "dramatic" and categorized as "bad behavior". Thus, being emotional is considered being dramatic and needs to be locked up and out of sight out of mind. And there you have the birth of EMO kids. If that's even still a thing today?
#6- Unpredictable... I don't think I have ever heard this used for a child, not after they were born. Unpredictable might have been a way to describe their come-about-ance(conception), but otherwise shouldn't be used to describe a child. I have no experience at ALL on this one, but spontaneous is a great word until you roll your eyes while saying it. I like to use spontaneous to describe myself, and my husband manages to make it a negative. All about the way you say it.
#7-Talkative... Oh my God, people still say this about me. "You're a chatty Kathy" "You talked my ear off" "Does your mouth ever stop running" "Do you just like to hear yourself talk?" Do any of those sound perfectly positive? I don't think so. Talkative- fond of talking, conversing- a dying art. I know people who would rather shoot off an email or a text than God forbid pick up the actual phone to have a chat. I also know people who can't even speak correctly, whether they are writing or talking. Speaking is the first big skill we learn. At first, it's crying. It's babbling, mumbling, blowing bubbles. A mother will beam that her infant is so "talkative". All of a sudden, it's too much when your toddler babbles all day, loudly, often seeming irritated. Parents will start demanding that they "use their words" or push sign language because it's quieter and more straight forward. Less guessing what the child is trying to communicate. They say that calling them "communicative" at this point will be more of a positive experience. I've always been a talker, and I know when people act like it's a bad thing, and when they enjoy it. That is what I think we need to teach kids, about how to express their words in positive and negative tone, how to COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.
#8- Quiet... also known as CALM. Why is it a bad thing for your kid to be calm?? Now, I know that being 'non-verbal' is a huge clue that a kid has developmental issues like autism. But QUIET is what we seem to want our kids to be, so why would we act like it's a negative thing? The only time, in my experience , that is was considered negative is if my mom thought that because we were quiet we were getting into some sort of trouble. But quiet and the alternative suggestion, being a thinker, neither of those are a bad thing. Why is quiet bad?? This one is INSANE to me. It seems that kids are either quiet or too loud. And if you're a parent using these two as negative ammo against your kids, then you are doing this parenting thing wrong!! Quiet does not mean thinking. Quiet can mean calm, can mean productive, can mean focused, can mean angry, brooding- many many things. But the action of being quiet- the lack of noise- is not indicative of 'thinking'. So this is a bad synonym. If your child is being quiet, I think it is a great talking point to find out why, to dig deeper. Your quiet child will thank you.
#9- Forceful... definition is strong and assertive; vigorous and powerful. Strong and powerful seem like good positive words to use. Why shouldn't your child strive to be or be them- Emotionally, physically, mentally, academically. And assertive, shouldn't they assert themselves when they need to? Forceful itself seems a word that has some power and 'danger' to it. Forceful winds, forceful speech, forceful movements. I get this one. But, like unpredictable, I don't think I have ever heard this one used to describe a child or their actions. Determined is a great word to use to describe a child who is assertive.
#10- Clingy... I've definitely heard that one used in regards to kids and adults. My daughter is clingy, but I call it "all about Mommy". Attached, dependent, not aware of someone's personal space. NEEDY. Say it isn't so- your child is needy? Emotionally, physically needing you? Clingy isn't a word that should be used for someone who has no choice but to need you. When used for adults, its an abrupt classification at best, used to attach a negative to a very ingrained human habit. Humans have always banded together and needed each other for survival. They have always relied on a herd mentality- whether small as in the nuclear immediate family, or large as in a community or tribe. All of a sudden, it's bad to be needy of your care givers. Because we are selfish and wish to 'be our own people'. I think that's a discussion for another day, though. Instead of clingy, let's call it-- loving? I'm going to call it what it is- NEEDY. And that's not a negative. Without me, my child wouldn't SURVIVE. She needs me, all of me. My body (in more ways than just breastfeeding), my heart, my mind, my attention, my patience, my life experience. My child needs me. And I will not turn her need into a negative. Needing me is not the same as loving me, however I do know that my needy child loves and appreciates me. I see it in her eyes, her smile, I feel it in her snuggles, I hear it in her voice when she calls out for MAMA. This is not a bad thing. Not now, but maybe if she's 35 and still living at home. But I hope she always needs me and comes to me.
#11- Bossy... fond of giving people orders. Well, that just sounds like it's mom's job. Just kidding. Bossy is a negative adjective. But I don't really hear adults calling their kids bossy, because their kids usually aren't bossing us around. A child who has younger siblings might become bossy, and yes, calling them a leader makes it sound like 'managing' is what they are doing, instead of 'domineering' or 'dominating'. I think that if a kid is being bossy- being negative- than the parents need to COMMUNICATE with the child how to be a good 'boss', or leader. There are lots of 'bad bosses' out there who abuse their power, who make life miserable for good, hardworking people. I don't think a leader and a bossy person are interchangeable though, but I do agree that calling someone bossy puts a very negative spin on it.
#12- Intense... this is the same as forceful and unpredictable- I don't think many people actually use this directly to their kid's face. and if they are being intense, that doesn't mean they are being focused. Intense means to have strong feelings about something, to be passionate about it. Sometimes they might be focused, or sometimes they might be obsessed. My nephew can be very intense when he wants to play his video games, but he sure isn't focused. He's being demanding and rude usually. He is also usually NOT focused until he gets what he wants. You may say he's focused on getting what he wants, but really he's just over stimulated with frustration and anger. He becomes blinded and shuts down, often turning slightly violent. NOT focused. I know they are trying to spin it in a positive light, but intense is a very strong feeling and it can't just be glossed over. It needs to be handled accordingly.
#13- Loud... is an adjective describing the volume. So, expressive- an adjective describing effective communication of thoughts and feelings- doesn't match up. If your child is being loud in a bad way, it is OK to explain to them that they are being disruptive, and how, so that they can change their behavior. If your child is being loud in a good way, when it's ok to be loud- outside on the playground, for example- then cheer them on! Teach them about VOLUME, about inside voices, and when it's ok to let loose and be loud. Teach them about time and place and general social acceptability. It's ok to be loud at the park and at the party, it's better to be quiet at school and in the library. This is another teachable moment.
#14- Impatient... what is so wrong with a word that correctly describes their actions?? Quickly irritated or provoked- it's a real feeling that should be discussed and the child should be taught how to recognize it and deal with it. PASSIONATE is NOT a synonym though, and will be confusing and erase the teachable moment. Passionate is showing strong feelings or a strong belief. NOT THE SAME. Restless or agitated is a better synonym to use, and then go ahead and embrace the teachable moment. Talk about why they are being impatient, how they can be more patient, sympathize that you understand their feeling. If you redirect them from their feeling, how will they ever learn to deal with that feeling??
#15- Dreamy... who uses this to describe a kid? "Head stuck in the clouds" is a more realistic term, and thus 'imaginative' fits right in. No one calls their kid dreamy, that's just weird.
#16- Hyper sensitive? You mean they call them overly sensitive? Go back and look at "emotional". It should be handled the same way. Responsive isn't right in line, it kind of skirts over the real issue. Again, deeming a child to be hypersensitive opens a door to a teachable moment to learn life skills to cope with this personality trait. Children should be taught to accept and manage their personality traits, good and bad, and everything in moderation. Don't just gloss over it and distract them from something that will be a recurring issue.
#17- Shy... being reserved. Calm and quiet, again. Whereas reflective is characterized by deep thought; thoughtful. If a child is being shy they are not necessarily being thoughtful. If you are telling them that you interpret their shyness as them being 'thoughtful', they may feel that you do not truly understand their reservations. They might feel uncomfortable, or timid in a situation. You are not helping your child by re-branding their nervousness. You should - again- find the teachable moment and teach coping skills and try to erase or lessen fear and nervousness.
***I'm seeing a lot of copping out on teachable moments here, and not a lot of life skills being taught**
#18- Aggressive... well, that's simply- aggressive. And again, I don't think many parents or care givers refer to their children as aggressive. They can be considered forceful and confrontational- and forceful is already on our list of BAD terms. They're suggesting we use assertive... which the definition of assertive is "having or showing a confident and forceful personality". So this one just goes around in circles. I think forceful and aggressive should both be called considered 'assertive', and should invoke discussion. Why are you being aggressive/forceful/confrontational? Why do you feel the need to assert yourself so forcefully? What can I do to help, to make it better? Let them know they are having aggressive tendencies and that there are alternatives if you can get to the bottom of the feeling. ANOTHER TEACHABLE MOMENT that should not just be lost.
#19- Fussy... hard to please. Selective could be a good replacement, but if they are not being selective (involving selection), if they are truly just being finicky, then that's another discussion that shouldn't be glossed over with a useless term. There should be discussion about why the child is fussing, and what can be done to calm them and redirect them. Fussing isn't always because there is a clear cut selection they are trying to make. Sometimes they are just caught up in what upset them, and there is no rhyme or reason to it. The child needs to be taught to cope.
#20- Serious... I'm not sure why this is a bad thing either? This is a type of personality. Not everyone is silly or funny or happy all the time or even most of the time. It's ok to be different and it's not a bad thing. By definition, it's actually a really good thing- acting or speaking sincerely and in earnest. It may be off putting to some, but it is not a bad thing. And it's not the same as contemplative which is involving prolonged thought.Being serious doesn't mean they're putting any more thought into it than the silly person. It's a completely different trait. I don't like the idea of tacking on a proposed negative for NO REASON. It just complicates life.
#21- Troublesome (AKA 'you're trouble')... difficult is the clear cut explanation for this childhood behavior. A parent or care giver who is having a hard time will place the blame on the child is they are frustrated with their behavior. Calling them challenging is still placing the blame on them. Instead, turning it on the caregiver "you really presented a healthy challenge for me today, and I appreciate the opportunity to learn and grow with you" makes it what it is- a learning experience for both parties. Even if it is an exhausting experience. Challenging children require more time and care and patience, and every one of us could use our patience tested and learn to be MORE patient.
#22- Restless ... is basically fidgety. Which is sometimes caused by being impatient, but mostly caused by boredom. SO if you see your child being restless, you need to act- not sit there and label it. Calling them 'active' won't solve any problems. And they're bored probably because of lack of stimulating activity. A restless child is begging you to engage them.
#23- Brooding.... DID THEY SERIOUSLY TELL YOU TO CALL THEM SERIOUS? AFTER DETERMINING THAT SERIOUS ONE OF THEIR BAD WORDS?? What parent actually calls their kid brooding? And if their kid IS brooding, what parent sits around and doesn't try to fix it?
This list of terms not to use with your child is uneducated and underwhelming, to say the least. It shows a lot of laziness on the parts of the parents. That instead of figuring out why they kid is acting a certain way, and instead of teaching them coping skills, they're labeling their behaviors and leaving it at that.
Parenting is exhausting. Use whatever words you can or want to- but be prepared to back it up with encouraging words and teachable moments and coping skills. You're a parent, your kids need a lot from you. You'll figure it out.
The anxiety I get from all of this, from being bombarded both face to face and through the screen, is almost unbearable. And I once worked in both a fast paced office environment and an animal hospital. The anxiety I get about keeping my own kid alive and 'not screwing it up' is overwhelming and keeps me up at night.
I wish I had blogged about this every step of the way, but anxiety feeds depression and depression is a dank and ugly little hole that's hard to climb out of. But, here I am.
Today I'd just like to touch on one teeny tiny little aspect of momming. It's about talking to your child. I was shown a chart of things you shouldn't say to your child, for fear you'll screw them up in the head- and of course, some better words to use. Picture for reference , but either way I want to go over them and if I heard them as a kid and how IT'S THE WAY YOU SAY THINGS that gives them their meaning...
2- Stubborn... actually a synonym of strong willed. Probably the only negative synonym because it suggests that you will not change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so. In this case, I agree that persistent should be used OVER stubborn because it has a negative connotation attached to it.
3-Wild...living or growing in the natural environment; not domesticated or cultivated, not cultured. OK so living and being free in the natural environment, like a graceful and innocent animal is not a bad thing to me, but I love wild animals. If you are using it to infer that your child is not civilized or cultured, that's another tone of voice slight that can harm the child. While they're playing rambunctiously, an "Oh you're wild" as you laugh and enjoy with them is not harmful. If they broke something and you're going to come down on them with a "what are you, a wild animal?!" then you inject the negativity. Energetic is an acceptable and useful term to throw out there to make the point of your statement exactly known. But 'wild' shouldn't be considered a negative.
4- EMOTIONAL... If you are making this negative for CHILDREN then SHAME ON YOU! This is why so many of today's adults have emotional issues, and in turn they repress and suppress emotions. Emotional- having feelings that are easily excited and openly displayed. OMG it is every therapist's dream client! They are open, they communicate how they feel, they get it off their chest, they don't hold it in and let it stew and EXPLODE. I assume parents would say this negatively when a child has exploded prematurely, when they are tantrum-ing over something small. In that case, it is a teachable moment about how to control and express one's emotions. Here is where I will tie in #5 Dramatic because the two synonyms they offer are caring and expressive, which I think are great words to call a kid! But I don't think emotional and caring going hand in hand. I don't think emotional is a BAD THING at all, until you add an eye roll and a sharp tongue to it. And being called dramatic is often associated with sudden strong emotions- things that, again, bring about teachable moments of self control and moderating expressing. I believe I heard "oh you're being dramatic" many many times and it was a negative and a way to brush of my outbursts of feelings, of emotions that were welling up and hard to explain or comprehend. Instead of taking time to discuss the overwhelming EMOTIONS, they were 'poo-pooed' away as "dramatic" and categorized as "bad behavior". Thus, being emotional is considered being dramatic and needs to be locked up and out of sight out of mind. And there you have the birth of EMO kids. If that's even still a thing today?
#6- Unpredictable... I don't think I have ever heard this used for a child, not after they were born. Unpredictable might have been a way to describe their come-about-ance(conception), but otherwise shouldn't be used to describe a child. I have no experience at ALL on this one, but spontaneous is a great word until you roll your eyes while saying it. I like to use spontaneous to describe myself, and my husband manages to make it a negative. All about the way you say it.
#7-Talkative... Oh my God, people still say this about me. "You're a chatty Kathy" "You talked my ear off" "Does your mouth ever stop running" "Do you just like to hear yourself talk?" Do any of those sound perfectly positive? I don't think so. Talkative- fond of talking, conversing- a dying art. I know people who would rather shoot off an email or a text than God forbid pick up the actual phone to have a chat. I also know people who can't even speak correctly, whether they are writing or talking. Speaking is the first big skill we learn. At first, it's crying. It's babbling, mumbling, blowing bubbles. A mother will beam that her infant is so "talkative". All of a sudden, it's too much when your toddler babbles all day, loudly, often seeming irritated. Parents will start demanding that they "use their words" or push sign language because it's quieter and more straight forward. Less guessing what the child is trying to communicate. They say that calling them "communicative" at this point will be more of a positive experience. I've always been a talker, and I know when people act like it's a bad thing, and when they enjoy it. That is what I think we need to teach kids, about how to express their words in positive and negative tone, how to COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.
#8- Quiet... also known as CALM. Why is it a bad thing for your kid to be calm?? Now, I know that being 'non-verbal' is a huge clue that a kid has developmental issues like autism. But QUIET is what we seem to want our kids to be, so why would we act like it's a negative thing? The only time, in my experience , that is was considered negative is if my mom thought that because we were quiet we were getting into some sort of trouble. But quiet and the alternative suggestion, being a thinker, neither of those are a bad thing. Why is quiet bad?? This one is INSANE to me. It seems that kids are either quiet or too loud. And if you're a parent using these two as negative ammo against your kids, then you are doing this parenting thing wrong!! Quiet does not mean thinking. Quiet can mean calm, can mean productive, can mean focused, can mean angry, brooding- many many things. But the action of being quiet- the lack of noise- is not indicative of 'thinking'. So this is a bad synonym. If your child is being quiet, I think it is a great talking point to find out why, to dig deeper. Your quiet child will thank you.
#9- Forceful... definition is strong and assertive; vigorous and powerful. Strong and powerful seem like good positive words to use. Why shouldn't your child strive to be or be them- Emotionally, physically, mentally, academically. And assertive, shouldn't they assert themselves when they need to? Forceful itself seems a word that has some power and 'danger' to it. Forceful winds, forceful speech, forceful movements. I get this one. But, like unpredictable, I don't think I have ever heard this one used to describe a child or their actions. Determined is a great word to use to describe a child who is assertive.
#10- Clingy... I've definitely heard that one used in regards to kids and adults. My daughter is clingy, but I call it "all about Mommy". Attached, dependent, not aware of someone's personal space. NEEDY. Say it isn't so- your child is needy? Emotionally, physically needing you? Clingy isn't a word that should be used for someone who has no choice but to need you. When used for adults, its an abrupt classification at best, used to attach a negative to a very ingrained human habit. Humans have always banded together and needed each other for survival. They have always relied on a herd mentality- whether small as in the nuclear immediate family, or large as in a community or tribe. All of a sudden, it's bad to be needy of your care givers. Because we are selfish and wish to 'be our own people'. I think that's a discussion for another day, though. Instead of clingy, let's call it-- loving? I'm going to call it what it is- NEEDY. And that's not a negative. Without me, my child wouldn't SURVIVE. She needs me, all of me. My body (in more ways than just breastfeeding), my heart, my mind, my attention, my patience, my life experience. My child needs me. And I will not turn her need into a negative. Needing me is not the same as loving me, however I do know that my needy child loves and appreciates me. I see it in her eyes, her smile, I feel it in her snuggles, I hear it in her voice when she calls out for MAMA. This is not a bad thing. Not now, but maybe if she's 35 and still living at home. But I hope she always needs me and comes to me.
#11- Bossy... fond of giving people orders. Well, that just sounds like it's mom's job. Just kidding. Bossy is a negative adjective. But I don't really hear adults calling their kids bossy, because their kids usually aren't bossing us around. A child who has younger siblings might become bossy, and yes, calling them a leader makes it sound like 'managing' is what they are doing, instead of 'domineering' or 'dominating'. I think that if a kid is being bossy- being negative- than the parents need to COMMUNICATE with the child how to be a good 'boss', or leader. There are lots of 'bad bosses' out there who abuse their power, who make life miserable for good, hardworking people. I don't think a leader and a bossy person are interchangeable though, but I do agree that calling someone bossy puts a very negative spin on it.
#12- Intense... this is the same as forceful and unpredictable- I don't think many people actually use this directly to their kid's face. and if they are being intense, that doesn't mean they are being focused. Intense means to have strong feelings about something, to be passionate about it. Sometimes they might be focused, or sometimes they might be obsessed. My nephew can be very intense when he wants to play his video games, but he sure isn't focused. He's being demanding and rude usually. He is also usually NOT focused until he gets what he wants. You may say he's focused on getting what he wants, but really he's just over stimulated with frustration and anger. He becomes blinded and shuts down, often turning slightly violent. NOT focused. I know they are trying to spin it in a positive light, but intense is a very strong feeling and it can't just be glossed over. It needs to be handled accordingly.
#13- Loud... is an adjective describing the volume. So, expressive- an adjective describing effective communication of thoughts and feelings- doesn't match up. If your child is being loud in a bad way, it is OK to explain to them that they are being disruptive, and how, so that they can change their behavior. If your child is being loud in a good way, when it's ok to be loud- outside on the playground, for example- then cheer them on! Teach them about VOLUME, about inside voices, and when it's ok to let loose and be loud. Teach them about time and place and general social acceptability. It's ok to be loud at the park and at the party, it's better to be quiet at school and in the library. This is another teachable moment.
#14- Impatient... what is so wrong with a word that correctly describes their actions?? Quickly irritated or provoked- it's a real feeling that should be discussed and the child should be taught how to recognize it and deal with it. PASSIONATE is NOT a synonym though, and will be confusing and erase the teachable moment. Passionate is showing strong feelings or a strong belief. NOT THE SAME. Restless or agitated is a better synonym to use, and then go ahead and embrace the teachable moment. Talk about why they are being impatient, how they can be more patient, sympathize that you understand their feeling. If you redirect them from their feeling, how will they ever learn to deal with that feeling??
#15- Dreamy... who uses this to describe a kid? "Head stuck in the clouds" is a more realistic term, and thus 'imaginative' fits right in. No one calls their kid dreamy, that's just weird.
#16- Hyper sensitive? You mean they call them overly sensitive? Go back and look at "emotional". It should be handled the same way. Responsive isn't right in line, it kind of skirts over the real issue. Again, deeming a child to be hypersensitive opens a door to a teachable moment to learn life skills to cope with this personality trait. Children should be taught to accept and manage their personality traits, good and bad, and everything in moderation. Don't just gloss over it and distract them from something that will be a recurring issue.
#17- Shy... being reserved. Calm and quiet, again. Whereas reflective is characterized by deep thought; thoughtful. If a child is being shy they are not necessarily being thoughtful. If you are telling them that you interpret their shyness as them being 'thoughtful', they may feel that you do not truly understand their reservations. They might feel uncomfortable, or timid in a situation. You are not helping your child by re-branding their nervousness. You should - again- find the teachable moment and teach coping skills and try to erase or lessen fear and nervousness.
***I'm seeing a lot of copping out on teachable moments here, and not a lot of life skills being taught**
#18- Aggressive... well, that's simply- aggressive. And again, I don't think many parents or care givers refer to their children as aggressive. They can be considered forceful and confrontational- and forceful is already on our list of BAD terms. They're suggesting we use assertive... which the definition of assertive is "having or showing a confident and forceful personality". So this one just goes around in circles. I think forceful and aggressive should both be called considered 'assertive', and should invoke discussion. Why are you being aggressive/forceful/confrontational? Why do you feel the need to assert yourself so forcefully? What can I do to help, to make it better? Let them know they are having aggressive tendencies and that there are alternatives if you can get to the bottom of the feeling. ANOTHER TEACHABLE MOMENT that should not just be lost.
#19- Fussy... hard to please. Selective could be a good replacement, but if they are not being selective (involving selection), if they are truly just being finicky, then that's another discussion that shouldn't be glossed over with a useless term. There should be discussion about why the child is fussing, and what can be done to calm them and redirect them. Fussing isn't always because there is a clear cut selection they are trying to make. Sometimes they are just caught up in what upset them, and there is no rhyme or reason to it. The child needs to be taught to cope.
#20- Serious... I'm not sure why this is a bad thing either? This is a type of personality. Not everyone is silly or funny or happy all the time or even most of the time. It's ok to be different and it's not a bad thing. By definition, it's actually a really good thing- acting or speaking sincerely and in earnest. It may be off putting to some, but it is not a bad thing. And it's not the same as contemplative which is involving prolonged thought.Being serious doesn't mean they're putting any more thought into it than the silly person. It's a completely different trait. I don't like the idea of tacking on a proposed negative for NO REASON. It just complicates life.
#21- Troublesome (AKA 'you're trouble')... difficult is the clear cut explanation for this childhood behavior. A parent or care giver who is having a hard time will place the blame on the child is they are frustrated with their behavior. Calling them challenging is still placing the blame on them. Instead, turning it on the caregiver "you really presented a healthy challenge for me today, and I appreciate the opportunity to learn and grow with you" makes it what it is- a learning experience for both parties. Even if it is an exhausting experience. Challenging children require more time and care and patience, and every one of us could use our patience tested and learn to be MORE patient.
#22- Restless ... is basically fidgety. Which is sometimes caused by being impatient, but mostly caused by boredom. SO if you see your child being restless, you need to act- not sit there and label it. Calling them 'active' won't solve any problems. And they're bored probably because of lack of stimulating activity. A restless child is begging you to engage them.
#23- Brooding.... DID THEY SERIOUSLY TELL YOU TO CALL THEM SERIOUS? AFTER DETERMINING THAT SERIOUS ONE OF THEIR BAD WORDS?? What parent actually calls their kid brooding? And if their kid IS brooding, what parent sits around and doesn't try to fix it?
This list of terms not to use with your child is uneducated and underwhelming, to say the least. It shows a lot of laziness on the parts of the parents. That instead of figuring out why they kid is acting a certain way, and instead of teaching them coping skills, they're labeling their behaviors and leaving it at that.
Parenting is exhausting. Use whatever words you can or want to- but be prepared to back it up with encouraging words and teachable moments and coping skills. You're a parent, your kids need a lot from you. You'll figure it out.
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