"Why is everything so heavy?" RIP Chester Bennington of Linkin Park

"One Step Closer" was my go-to song during hard times in high school.

 

My Meteora and Hybrid Theory CDs were practically smooth from being overplayed, the music just flowed from track to track. 

I was allowed to listen to this music because it had no parental advisory, and I clung to it. 

I knew every word of every song. 

I would listen to it while I cried myself to sleep.

 

I would listen to it while I screamed myself into submission. 

I would listen to it AFTER I'd cut myself and was embarrassed and angry at myself for stooping that low. 

I should have known that someone who was writing songs that directly related to my fucked up life was writing from experience. 

I used this music to decompress, to lift myself up, to blow off steam.

What I've Done was the theme music to the first Transformers. Let me just say, my dog's name is Optimus Prime. The song Iridescent is on Dark of the Moon, and Linkin Park was tapped again to write the theme song New Divide for Revenge of the Fallen. I'm pretty sure they featured a hit song on each of the movies in the franchise- yes, I own the soundtracks.

They were coming to NYC next week... I had tried to win tickets on the radio.  So when I heard that Chester died, took his own life, a piece of me died inside. Chris Cornell of Soundgarden did the same thing in May, two months ago. Chris and Chester were extremely close. I had considered doing something similar 3-6 months ago. The notion that I considered should not be taken lightly. Thank God I was passive aggressive about it- probably because death and not existing is my biggest fear. It absolutely blows my mind that someone could get past that fear and dive in head first... but for a few moments, a few hours or days or months, even I contemplated it. It's not because life is not fair or too hard. It's because there is a place in each person's mind that is devoid of hope. For some people, it is a very small place, an insignificant speck that never creates any issues. For others, it is a gaping wound with a pulse of its own- like The Upside Down in Stranger Things. Some days the lights flicker and you have a little hope, other days a monster crawls out and tries to drag you into hell. Some days you worry you are losing your mind. Other days you feel like this must be an alternate universe because this shit just doesn't happen, and no one believes you. I don't know if Chester had anxiety, or bi polar, or schizophrenia, or depression. But his words rang true so many times with things I had gone through, he helped me without even knowing, without even trying. I tried so hard, and got so far…But in the end it doesn't even matter  ------------------------------------------------------- My life-- My pride is broken You like to think you're never wrong(You live what you've learned) You have to act like you're someone(You live what you've learned) You want someone to hurt like you(You live what you've learned)  ------------------------------------------------------- I wanna run away, never say goodbye I wanna know the truth, Instead of wondering why I wanna know the answers- No more lies I wanna shut the door And open up my mind  ------------------------------------------------------ I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long(Erase all the pain 'til it's gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real I wanna find something I've wanted all along….Somewhere I belong So last night, I cried. Because if he felt that was his only way out, what is stopping me? Am I stronger than someone, anyone else who feels the pain I feel? Someone who I looked up to, who provided my form of escape for so many years? RIP Chester- I truly hope that you are at peace. We will miss you dearly an hold on to what you've left behind for us... hold on for dear life.