I've been struggling with infertility for almost 2 years now. Hanging around with people who are deciding when to have their second or third child is really wearing me down right now.
I've been struggling with depression for over a year now. Money issues, infertility, career struggles, anxiety, normal marital issues... all contribute to my depression. All contributed to night terrors and panic attacks.... all contributed to suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts led me to seek help.
I've been struggling, I've been working hard to pull myself out of the emotional hole I was living in. The fall was not quick, it was one thing after another pushing me down, down, deeper. The upward battle was a crawl at best. But there were road blocks. The biggest road block was not knowing what path I wanted to take. The biggest set back was knowing I wan't happy with many aspects of my life, and not working on the BIGGEST ones. The little baby steps I took, they were barely noticeable. To me, to the world. They were unmotivated, at best. I had settled into existing, and stopped living with purpose. Deep down, I knew it... but I didn't know how to fix it. And I kinda wished someone would fix it for me... I didn't have the strength, the drive, the motivation to fix myself.
Even with medication, all I accomplished was putting a smile on my face. A smile I almost believed in. I started telling people I was doing better. I wasn't DOING anything. I was floating along, putting in the bare minimum effort all around. It was still hard to fall asleep at night, it was still hard to get up in the mornings. It was still hard to find positives, to be agreeable, and to be HAPPY.
And all of this noticeable behavior affected me not only personally, not only at home, not only in my marriage- but also professionally, at the office, in my cube. I became a person who was labeled "doesn't play well with others", "doesn't communicate well", "constantly under-performs", and "inconsistent". These were words I hadn't heard in a long time, if ever. In my dark turmoil of my teenage years, I may have lacked communication skills and not played well with some, but I was consistently an over-achiever. Where, how, why-- did I go so wrong? How did I make such a 180?
How could I, at 30 years old, be depressed, unemployed, childless, and considering suicide? It's inconceivable to me. But it is my reality.
The suicidal thoughts are easily kept at bay with my medication, but the panic attacks and night terrors persist. Everything looks so dark and boy does the road ahead look windy and overgrown. It looks like it will take a lot of effort to get back to the top. But I'd like to say I'm game.
I send out resumes daily. Words like "entry level" and "need not apply" don't scare me. I fill my days with tasks- ride my horse, weed the garden, travel to Boston, write 'thank you' cards, babysit nephew and niece, defrost meat for dinner, take the dog for a hike, start hard cider brewing... etc. I've compiled a business plan for a barn, in hopes to lease a property and start my own business. I've signed up to be a pet sitter through an up and coming app so I can make some money doing something I love- hanging out with animals.
I've realized that this is the end of something, but not the end of my life. Just like each test along the journey through infertility is the end of something, but not the end of the journey. 30 is an interesting age, an interesting age to START AGAIN. To GET BACK ON TRACK. To FIND PURPOSE.
BRING IT ON.
I've been struggling with depression for over a year now. Money issues, infertility, career struggles, anxiety, normal marital issues... all contribute to my depression. All contributed to night terrors and panic attacks.... all contributed to suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts led me to seek help.
I've been struggling, I've been working hard to pull myself out of the emotional hole I was living in. The fall was not quick, it was one thing after another pushing me down, down, deeper. The upward battle was a crawl at best. But there were road blocks. The biggest road block was not knowing what path I wanted to take. The biggest set back was knowing I wan't happy with many aspects of my life, and not working on the BIGGEST ones. The little baby steps I took, they were barely noticeable. To me, to the world. They were unmotivated, at best. I had settled into existing, and stopped living with purpose. Deep down, I knew it... but I didn't know how to fix it. And I kinda wished someone would fix it for me... I didn't have the strength, the drive, the motivation to fix myself.
Even with medication, all I accomplished was putting a smile on my face. A smile I almost believed in. I started telling people I was doing better. I wasn't DOING anything. I was floating along, putting in the bare minimum effort all around. It was still hard to fall asleep at night, it was still hard to get up in the mornings. It was still hard to find positives, to be agreeable, and to be HAPPY.
And all of this noticeable behavior affected me not only personally, not only at home, not only in my marriage- but also professionally, at the office, in my cube. I became a person who was labeled "doesn't play well with others", "doesn't communicate well", "constantly under-performs", and "inconsistent". These were words I hadn't heard in a long time, if ever. In my dark turmoil of my teenage years, I may have lacked communication skills and not played well with some, but I was consistently an over-achiever. Where, how, why-- did I go so wrong? How did I make such a 180?
How could I, at 30 years old, be depressed, unemployed, childless, and considering suicide? It's inconceivable to me. But it is my reality.
The suicidal thoughts are easily kept at bay with my medication, but the panic attacks and night terrors persist. Everything looks so dark and boy does the road ahead look windy and overgrown. It looks like it will take a lot of effort to get back to the top. But I'd like to say I'm game.
I send out resumes daily. Words like "entry level" and "need not apply" don't scare me. I fill my days with tasks- ride my horse, weed the garden, travel to Boston, write 'thank you' cards, babysit nephew and niece, defrost meat for dinner, take the dog for a hike, start hard cider brewing... etc. I've compiled a business plan for a barn, in hopes to lease a property and start my own business. I've signed up to be a pet sitter through an up and coming app so I can make some money doing something I love- hanging out with animals.
I've realized that this is the end of something, but not the end of my life. Just like each test along the journey through infertility is the end of something, but not the end of the journey. 30 is an interesting age, an interesting age to START AGAIN. To GET BACK ON TRACK. To FIND PURPOSE.
BRING IT ON.
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