10/30/17
I drive 2 hours through east bumblefuck, to emerge in a city I've only ever heard of. I follow the directions I found via Google because no one called to confirm my appointment. They probably didn't because I called them back a week after making the appointment to see if their were any cancellations and if I could move it up- I was in luck and successful in that. We moved it from the Friday to the Monday. Anyway, the directions bring me to the wrong place. WTF I was early for once! I frantically call and get the correct address.
I show up and they say they have a ton of paperwork for me to fill out and I'm late. I calmly reply that the address listed online is incorrect and I called 5 minutes ago asking for the address as I stood at the other building. They lament that it's been 6 months since they've moved and it's still not updated. I tell them before I sit to fill out my paperwork that if they give me the fax number, I'll have the records sent over right away. They write it on the top of my forms and I take a seat.
I text the fax # to my husband. he's working from home and ready to fax over the records I retrieved from my OBGYN. He faxes it, and the ladies say he's only sent 2 pages and one is a cover page. Knowing there are at least 20 pages, I immediately call him and explain. He says he used a program he downloaded to scan and fax it and he only had one free fax so he can't resend. I say he has to or I can't be seen and he swears at me, telling me he's on the clock right now and he did the best he could and will not try again. I hang up on him before I burst into tears. Sometimes I feel like I am alone in all of this.
I continue filling out the forms. My husband tries to call me back and I ignore it. I heard what he said, no need to continue the conversation. I remember the moment I was waiting at my OBGYN for them to get me the copies of my records. I looked around. There is one girl with a baby bump sitting alone. No ring. Maybe younger than me. The door to the exam rooms opens and out walks another, probably 8 months pregnant. No ring. Dirtbag, pants-sagging boyfriend in tow. Neither looks happy to be here. I cringe, I am judgmental, I am defeated. I snap out of the memory as my phone makes a different sound, and then another. My husband has sent me an email and a text. The text says he e-mailed me the records, and that he's sorry he lost his temper. 'He will be sorry when I don't cook dinner tonight' is what I think to myself.
I get called in while I'm still completing the forms, so that they can stay on schedule. I tell the girl the records are in my e-mail, and she lets me use her laptop to access them for printing. THANK GOD.
I explain why I am here. Then I get the first shocker- this doctor is not an OBGYN, she is just a gyno. Infertility is not her specialty. My heart sinks. But they prep me for my visit any way. the DR comes in. She is really nice and straightforward. She tells me the same thing but she opens up my records and starts reviewing them. She says that when women enter the stage I am in, the wanting to conceive part, she refers them out. But she has some notes to add to my records and has some ideas.
She notes my ovarian cysts and that my DR has never ultra-sounded them to confirm follicle growth and normal ovulation. She suggests we start there. She sees I've done and HSG and have a clean slate there. She sees the semen analysis. She makes some notes there and is surprised that his doctor played down the results. That was a shocker to me. My husband also played down the results. "Just keep trying".... I f**king hate hearing that. She asks me all sorts of questions about my diet, my lady bits, my cycles, my moods. She suggests blood tests for my thyroid because that can be a silent assailant. She suggests I follow through with my other doctor's lab order for anti-semen antibodies.
And then she looks at my with kind and compassionate eyes and says "It must be frustrating to hear time after time that everything looks normal, everything looks good.... and then you 'keep trying' and nothing happens". And tears fill my eyes as I shake my head and agree wholeheartedly. She says good luck, she will be in touch after I get the tests she's ordered.
And I leave and I feel no better than I did when I left the last doctor's office. I still feel it is not fair, that I am missing out, that I would be great at this, that my body is betraying me. Women are the bearers of children, if they choose. But we are the only ones who CAN. I want to... but CAN I???
I drive 2 hours through east bumblefuck, to emerge in a city I've only ever heard of. I follow the directions I found via Google because no one called to confirm my appointment. They probably didn't because I called them back a week after making the appointment to see if their were any cancellations and if I could move it up- I was in luck and successful in that. We moved it from the Friday to the Monday. Anyway, the directions bring me to the wrong place. WTF I was early for once! I frantically call and get the correct address.
I show up and they say they have a ton of paperwork for me to fill out and I'm late. I calmly reply that the address listed online is incorrect and I called 5 minutes ago asking for the address as I stood at the other building. They lament that it's been 6 months since they've moved and it's still not updated. I tell them before I sit to fill out my paperwork that if they give me the fax number, I'll have the records sent over right away. They write it on the top of my forms and I take a seat.
I text the fax # to my husband. he's working from home and ready to fax over the records I retrieved from my OBGYN. He faxes it, and the ladies say he's only sent 2 pages and one is a cover page. Knowing there are at least 20 pages, I immediately call him and explain. He says he used a program he downloaded to scan and fax it and he only had one free fax so he can't resend. I say he has to or I can't be seen and he swears at me, telling me he's on the clock right now and he did the best he could and will not try again. I hang up on him before I burst into tears. Sometimes I feel like I am alone in all of this.
I continue filling out the forms. My husband tries to call me back and I ignore it. I heard what he said, no need to continue the conversation. I remember the moment I was waiting at my OBGYN for them to get me the copies of my records. I looked around. There is one girl with a baby bump sitting alone. No ring. Maybe younger than me. The door to the exam rooms opens and out walks another, probably 8 months pregnant. No ring. Dirtbag, pants-sagging boyfriend in tow. Neither looks happy to be here. I cringe, I am judgmental, I am defeated. I snap out of the memory as my phone makes a different sound, and then another. My husband has sent me an email and a text. The text says he e-mailed me the records, and that he's sorry he lost his temper. 'He will be sorry when I don't cook dinner tonight' is what I think to myself.
I get called in while I'm still completing the forms, so that they can stay on schedule. I tell the girl the records are in my e-mail, and she lets me use her laptop to access them for printing. THANK GOD.
I explain why I am here. Then I get the first shocker- this doctor is not an OBGYN, she is just a gyno. Infertility is not her specialty. My heart sinks. But they prep me for my visit any way. the DR comes in. She is really nice and straightforward. She tells me the same thing but she opens up my records and starts reviewing them. She says that when women enter the stage I am in, the wanting to conceive part, she refers them out. But she has some notes to add to my records and has some ideas.
She notes my ovarian cysts and that my DR has never ultra-sounded them to confirm follicle growth and normal ovulation. She suggests we start there. She sees I've done and HSG and have a clean slate there. She sees the semen analysis. She makes some notes there and is surprised that his doctor played down the results. That was a shocker to me. My husband also played down the results. "Just keep trying".... I f**king hate hearing that. She asks me all sorts of questions about my diet, my lady bits, my cycles, my moods. She suggests blood tests for my thyroid because that can be a silent assailant. She suggests I follow through with my other doctor's lab order for anti-semen antibodies.
And then she looks at my with kind and compassionate eyes and says "It must be frustrating to hear time after time that everything looks normal, everything looks good.... and then you 'keep trying' and nothing happens". And tears fill my eyes as I shake my head and agree wholeheartedly. She says good luck, she will be in touch after I get the tests she's ordered.
And I leave and I feel no better than I did when I left the last doctor's office. I still feel it is not fair, that I am missing out, that I would be great at this, that my body is betraying me. Women are the bearers of children, if they choose. But we are the only ones who CAN. I want to... but CAN I???
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