I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that we "waited" to conceive during certain parts of our journey?
We got married in June 2015. I had been off birth control a few months and we had not used condoms in years. Technically, we were not 'trying' right after we got married- we had two months until our honeymoon and I was afraid of morning sickness and not being able to enjoy ourselves in Slovakia, Poland, and Italy... especially the wonderful wine...
So we didn't actively try until we touched down in Italy, our beautiful, wonderful adventure of a honeymoon. At that point, I didn't know much about my cycle and my ovulation days and what not. We came home, I got my period, and reports of "we're pregnant" started pouring in immediately. A couple who got married a week after us got pregnant immediately, a couple who got married in September got pregnant immediately, two couples who had been married a few years let us know they were pregnant- one with their first, one with their second.
In 2016 we started shifting from bridal showers and weddings to baby showers, christenings, and first birthdays. We still had a few more weddings, like for my best friend ever. I traveled to the west coast twice to do things with her - once to celebrate her bachelorette/birthday in Tahoe and the second time to celebrate her wedding in Carlsbad CA. I made sure that I would not be pregnant for either of these events, I did some math and skipped key months. I mean, I didn't mind if I WAS pregnant for the either, but not over 7 months... I still needed to fly out there and be there!!
Looking back, I feel like a huge idiot for skipping ANY months. I regret it immensely. August 2015 to August 2016 was one full year of 'trying', we skipped maybe one month just in case. Her wedding came and went- October 2016- with not even a late period. But in December 2016- after the wedding and after making a trip to Vegas for my 30th- I went to my OBGYN to talk to him about all this. I had also sunk into a deep depression. I obsessed over getting pregnant as I went to more and more gender reveals, baby showers, christenings, and children's birthdays.
That's when my 'infertility' journal started. I hate that word. I hate to think that that's what is really going on. So far, we are all green lights from the doctors- on BOTH accounts. My periods are like clockwork, I can feel my ovulation which matches up with my fertility tracking app. I take prenatal vitamins to prep my body. I've done the bloodwork- I'm a damned pin cushion. I've had the HSG test, there's no blockages in my uterus or tubes.
So I started talking to friends who've taken longer than a year to conceive. I found out something that really irked me. Their doctors started out the process with an ultrasound of their ovaries, to make sure that follicles are being produced when they should be and that there are no lingering cysts. When I heard this, I immediately thought about my past OBGYN record... and you know what? My ovaries have been less than stellar over the years. I had a cyst explode in 2014 that crippled me for a hour, hospitalized me, and landed me in my OBGYN's office for a follow-up. I had at least 3 that year, including a really bad one while we were abroad in Poland. The follow-ups got me a prescription for birth control to regulate the painful cysts. I was only on the birth control for a little over a year before I stopped it to start clearing out my system so we could start 'trying'. But, my DR never really mentions that part of my chart and has never thought to check on my ovaries? Aren't they a vital part to making a baby? I mean, from what I know about breeding, if the ovaries don't release an egg, there's no chance for conception. Not a chance in the world.
THIS WAS A HUGE WTF MOMENT ON THIS HORRIBLE, DEPRESSIVE JOURNEY
So, after being a pin cushion, after the painful and emotionally shaking HSG test, after 2 years of the only positive being that "everything looks good"*.... I feel let down and angry that something so obvious was overlooked. I thought I was angry with myself for not being able to get pregnant or be happy that "everything looks good" and that I've got all green lights........... let me tell you, I was ridiculously angry when I heard about people getting their ovaries ultra-sounded as a first step. If those cysts were extremely painful, the feeling of being let down by my doctor was almost unbearable. Yes- I cried. Yes- I yelled. Yes- I called my doctor some colorful and nasty names. He's ancient and should probably retire anyway.
And then I decided, it's f**king time to find another doctor.
As long as they take my insurance, I'm game. I got a really good referral, the doctor is like an hour away but I heard that she helped out a friend of mine and put her back on the road of 'fertility'.
Go figure, the week I decide to take things into my own hands and get a second opinion, a friend couple sends us a text that they are expecting their 3rd child. Another reminder that we are falling far behind our friends and family- they are moving rapidly on through the next stage of life... I'm moving rapidly through a cheesecake. Another kicker- I put in an application to adopt another dog, and the adoption/rescue agency disqualified us because our current dog is not neutered and in their eyes we are irresponsible dog owners. I bet a human adoption agency will think we are irresponsible for the same reason, that we have an un-neutered dog in our house. Hopefully that's just my anxiety talking.
My husband and I have discussed adoption, we are ready to do it if this 'infertility' drags on. I am hoping for some sort of answers from this second opinion doctor. I just finished up another period. Another month that my uterus is barren and our hearts know a sense of defeat and a growing void.
**The words "everything looks good" should bring comfort, since valid reasons for why this is not happening could range from 'you have none of the necessary hormones' to 'you have cancer'. I am fighting depression from this journey. I fight to find positivity and goodness and happiness in the smallest of things, and in the easiest of things to be happy and positive about. I often find darkness and negativity, but I am FIGHTING IT. Fight the good fight. Recognize depression and don't be afraid to admit it affects you.**
We got married in June 2015. I had been off birth control a few months and we had not used condoms in years. Technically, we were not 'trying' right after we got married- we had two months until our honeymoon and I was afraid of morning sickness and not being able to enjoy ourselves in Slovakia, Poland, and Italy... especially the wonderful wine...
So we didn't actively try until we touched down in Italy, our beautiful, wonderful adventure of a honeymoon. At that point, I didn't know much about my cycle and my ovulation days and what not. We came home, I got my period, and reports of "we're pregnant" started pouring in immediately. A couple who got married a week after us got pregnant immediately, a couple who got married in September got pregnant immediately, two couples who had been married a few years let us know they were pregnant- one with their first, one with their second.
In 2016 we started shifting from bridal showers and weddings to baby showers, christenings, and first birthdays. We still had a few more weddings, like for my best friend ever. I traveled to the west coast twice to do things with her - once to celebrate her bachelorette/birthday in Tahoe and the second time to celebrate her wedding in Carlsbad CA. I made sure that I would not be pregnant for either of these events, I did some math and skipped key months. I mean, I didn't mind if I WAS pregnant for the either, but not over 7 months... I still needed to fly out there and be there!!
Looking back, I feel like a huge idiot for skipping ANY months. I regret it immensely. August 2015 to August 2016 was one full year of 'trying', we skipped maybe one month just in case. Her wedding came and went- October 2016- with not even a late period. But in December 2016- after the wedding and after making a trip to Vegas for my 30th- I went to my OBGYN to talk to him about all this. I had also sunk into a deep depression. I obsessed over getting pregnant as I went to more and more gender reveals, baby showers, christenings, and children's birthdays.
That's when my 'infertility' journal started. I hate that word. I hate to think that that's what is really going on. So far, we are all green lights from the doctors- on BOTH accounts. My periods are like clockwork, I can feel my ovulation which matches up with my fertility tracking app. I take prenatal vitamins to prep my body. I've done the bloodwork- I'm a damned pin cushion. I've had the HSG test, there's no blockages in my uterus or tubes.
So I started talking to friends who've taken longer than a year to conceive. I found out something that really irked me. Their doctors started out the process with an ultrasound of their ovaries, to make sure that follicles are being produced when they should be and that there are no lingering cysts. When I heard this, I immediately thought about my past OBGYN record... and you know what? My ovaries have been less than stellar over the years. I had a cyst explode in 2014 that crippled me for a hour, hospitalized me, and landed me in my OBGYN's office for a follow-up. I had at least 3 that year, including a really bad one while we were abroad in Poland. The follow-ups got me a prescription for birth control to regulate the painful cysts. I was only on the birth control for a little over a year before I stopped it to start clearing out my system so we could start 'trying'. But, my DR never really mentions that part of my chart and has never thought to check on my ovaries? Aren't they a vital part to making a baby? I mean, from what I know about breeding, if the ovaries don't release an egg, there's no chance for conception. Not a chance in the world.
THIS WAS A HUGE WTF MOMENT ON THIS HORRIBLE, DEPRESSIVE JOURNEY
So, after being a pin cushion, after the painful and emotionally shaking HSG test, after 2 years of the only positive being that "everything looks good"*.... I feel let down and angry that something so obvious was overlooked. I thought I was angry with myself for not being able to get pregnant or be happy that "everything looks good" and that I've got all green lights........... let me tell you, I was ridiculously angry when I heard about people getting their ovaries ultra-sounded as a first step. If those cysts were extremely painful, the feeling of being let down by my doctor was almost unbearable. Yes- I cried. Yes- I yelled. Yes- I called my doctor some colorful and nasty names. He's ancient and should probably retire anyway.
And then I decided, it's f**king time to find another doctor.
As long as they take my insurance, I'm game. I got a really good referral, the doctor is like an hour away but I heard that she helped out a friend of mine and put her back on the road of 'fertility'.
Go figure, the week I decide to take things into my own hands and get a second opinion, a friend couple sends us a text that they are expecting their 3rd child. Another reminder that we are falling far behind our friends and family- they are moving rapidly on through the next stage of life... I'm moving rapidly through a cheesecake. Another kicker- I put in an application to adopt another dog, and the adoption/rescue agency disqualified us because our current dog is not neutered and in their eyes we are irresponsible dog owners. I bet a human adoption agency will think we are irresponsible for the same reason, that we have an un-neutered dog in our house. Hopefully that's just my anxiety talking.
My husband and I have discussed adoption, we are ready to do it if this 'infertility' drags on. I am hoping for some sort of answers from this second opinion doctor. I just finished up another period. Another month that my uterus is barren and our hearts know a sense of defeat and a growing void.
**The words "everything looks good" should bring comfort, since valid reasons for why this is not happening could range from 'you have none of the necessary hormones' to 'you have cancer'. I am fighting depression from this journey. I fight to find positivity and goodness and happiness in the smallest of things, and in the easiest of things to be happy and positive about. I often find darkness and negativity, but I am FIGHTING IT. Fight the good fight. Recognize depression and don't be afraid to admit it affects you.**
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