Yesterday I took a day off work, in the middle of the week in the middle of the summer. And everyone asked me"OH WHAT FUN PLANS DO YOU HAVE??" And I just answered, "nothing really". Which wasn't quite true.
I didn't sit on the beach or go somewhere fun and exciting. I slept in, walked the dog, rode my motorcycle around a little to clear my head. Then my husband and I made a trip up to the local hospital to meet up with my OBGYN for a "small procedure".
In response to my anxiety over this, my husband had been saying "It's just another test" for weeks since I scheduled it. Last week I finally broke down and cried and asked him -- "What if something is WRONG with me?" You don't go to the hospital and schedule in a department for 'just another test'. They don't tell you to take 1000mg of ibuprofen an hour prior to ease cramping or bring in sterile tools and betadine for 'just another test'. It was a procedure. It was invasive. It hurt. They took many images and consulted over them. It caused bleeding and swollen tenderness and cramping that lasted for 2 days. And more than that- it caused emotional distress.
After the procedure, I got the same answer I've been getting from the Drs- Everything looks normal, everything looks good. It's almost as bad as hearing "Uh oh there's something not right"... because technically something IS NOT right. Normal, good, healthy people shouldn't struggle to do anything.
It honestly blows my mind that irresponsible, binge drinking, 18-year-old me could conceive a child accidentally, and established, married, accomplished, ready for children me CANNOT. I joke that making babies is not easy, unless -of course- you are a crack whore or teenager. I mean because my crack head mom conceived my sister and me pretty easily, and I conceived as a teenager easily... so I have first-hand knowledge that this is a true statement. Shows like "Teen Mom" and "I didn't know I was pregnant" also prove me right.
Every day my Facebook feed blows up with another bundle of joy announcement. The ones that hit hardest are the unmarried, living-with-their-parents ones. When I was unmarried and living with my parents, it was almost impossible for me to find a time and place to have sex. Real quick in the back seat of the car was most possible. A condom was a MUST. When we were unmarried and living TOGETHER, condoms were a must at first. Then "the rhythm method" and "pulling out" was used. Pulling out continued until our wedding night. Because, responsibility.
So here is my stupid ass, doing well for myself, following the old school mentality that you should be married and slightly established before trying to conceive, and low and behold- conceive we cannot.
I'm not saying I'm better than any body, but it doesn't make much sense. We are responsible, established, financially stable, married, and have a room in our new home ready for a baby to move in to. And yet, we are not "blessed" with a baby.
People keep telling me it's because of my anxiety, it's because I think about it too much, I stress too much. That's a good analysis. No one offers suggestions of what to do about it. I guess there is meditation and yoga, there is acupuncture.... Or there are infertility treatments. I've gotten flack in the last few days about considering opting to have the doctors make me a baby. Because, you know, depositing the semen right into the tubes is not natural and it's frowned upon by people who think only God blesses people with babies. But if God is as loving and wonderful and bestows blessings on people as you all think- why would he "bless" irresponsible teenagers and drug addicts with babies instead of a married couple who is longing for a child? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
And here is where common sense combats religion for me. I was raised Roman Catholic- I am baptized, I take communion, I am confirmed, I have been a catechist. I have dedicated Sundays to church, I have cantored many masses, I have portrayed Mary and other significant figures in the stations of the cross, I have carried the cross during mass on Good Friday. I used to be an avid Catholic with a few sins. Then I had an abortion. Then I felt shamed. Then I realized that women can't play a more important role in the church. Then my inspirational priest left. Then I realized that God does not have his hands in our life, he gave us the choice of free will and he does not dictate what happens to us. Then I realized that no matter how many good things I have done with my life, it may not outweigh the one terrible thing I always remind myself I have done. The one thing I know is a mortal sin. The one thing I beg for forgiveness for and now feel that maybe God is punishing me about. I truly worry that maybe I had my chance at motherhood and I gave it up and thus, I get no second chances. Whether it is God or the universe punishing me, I do not know. Maybe I am punishing myself. I know that there are repeat abortion offenders- it's in the news and brought up a lot when the topic is discussed. I know there are many many unwed mothers, I know there are many many unfit mothers - I had one. I know that ANY CREATURE can have sex and give birth to a new life and that it takes not one ounce of love to do this. That being a mother used to be an instinct, but it is now a CHOICE a woman has to decide to make. It is a choice that I once shied from. I highly considered it back then. I thought, if I go home to my parents they will support me and I, we, can do this. I can do this. I can be a Mom. And I was met with shame and with disdain and with embarrassment. "Take care of this" was not what I expected from my Italian American Catholic mother. So I made my choice. And I regret it now more than ever. I thought I didn't regret it when I graduated. I thought I didn't regret it when I pursued a career and a life. I thought I didn't regret it when I met and courted my now husband. I thought I didn't regret it.
But now, I am reminded every month. Now, I am reminded everytime I see or hear an announcement. Now, I am reminded with every baby shower I am invited to, with every "come over and meet our baby" phone call, with every christening, with every first birthday party. The round of second baby announcements sends a new wave of hurt, as I am stuck waiting for #1. I have less and less people to spend time with, I have even less people I can talk to about my plight. People who came to me for comfort because they knew I was going through this, are also finding themselves showered with 'baby dust' and expecting.
It has made me unable to enjoy the good things in my life. I've been on vacations, I've bought a house, I learned to ride and bought a motorcycle. I have been leasing a horse and really revamped his body and mind and even took him to a show- we won a 1st place ribbon! I am an accomplished young lady with lots of exciting things happening all the time... and yet this one thing is an anchor keeping me down in a deep murky pool of sadness.
Maybe. Someday. I'll figure this shit out.
I didn't sit on the beach or go somewhere fun and exciting. I slept in, walked the dog, rode my motorcycle around a little to clear my head. Then my husband and I made a trip up to the local hospital to meet up with my OBGYN for a "small procedure".
In response to my anxiety over this, my husband had been saying "It's just another test" for weeks since I scheduled it. Last week I finally broke down and cried and asked him -- "What if something is WRONG with me?" You don't go to the hospital and schedule in a department for 'just another test'. They don't tell you to take 1000mg of ibuprofen an hour prior to ease cramping or bring in sterile tools and betadine for 'just another test'. It was a procedure. It was invasive. It hurt. They took many images and consulted over them. It caused bleeding and swollen tenderness and cramping that lasted for 2 days. And more than that- it caused emotional distress.
After the procedure, I got the same answer I've been getting from the Drs- Everything looks normal, everything looks good. It's almost as bad as hearing "Uh oh there's something not right"... because technically something IS NOT right. Normal, good, healthy people shouldn't struggle to do anything.
It honestly blows my mind that irresponsible, binge drinking, 18-year-old me could conceive a child accidentally, and established, married, accomplished, ready for children me CANNOT. I joke that making babies is not easy, unless -of course- you are a crack whore or teenager. I mean because my crack head mom conceived my sister and me pretty easily, and I conceived as a teenager easily... so I have first-hand knowledge that this is a true statement. Shows like "Teen Mom" and "I didn't know I was pregnant" also prove me right.
Every day my Facebook feed blows up with another bundle of joy announcement. The ones that hit hardest are the unmarried, living-with-their-parents ones. When I was unmarried and living with my parents, it was almost impossible for me to find a time and place to have sex. Real quick in the back seat of the car was most possible. A condom was a MUST. When we were unmarried and living TOGETHER, condoms were a must at first. Then "the rhythm method" and "pulling out" was used. Pulling out continued until our wedding night. Because, responsibility.
So here is my stupid ass, doing well for myself, following the old school mentality that you should be married and slightly established before trying to conceive, and low and behold- conceive we cannot.
I'm not saying I'm better than any body, but it doesn't make much sense. We are responsible, established, financially stable, married, and have a room in our new home ready for a baby to move in to. And yet, we are not "blessed" with a baby.
People keep telling me it's because of my anxiety, it's because I think about it too much, I stress too much. That's a good analysis. No one offers suggestions of what to do about it. I guess there is meditation and yoga, there is acupuncture.... Or there are infertility treatments. I've gotten flack in the last few days about considering opting to have the doctors make me a baby. Because, you know, depositing the semen right into the tubes is not natural and it's frowned upon by people who think only God blesses people with babies. But if God is as loving and wonderful and bestows blessings on people as you all think- why would he "bless" irresponsible teenagers and drug addicts with babies instead of a married couple who is longing for a child? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
And here is where common sense combats religion for me. I was raised Roman Catholic- I am baptized, I take communion, I am confirmed, I have been a catechist. I have dedicated Sundays to church, I have cantored many masses, I have portrayed Mary and other significant figures in the stations of the cross, I have carried the cross during mass on Good Friday. I used to be an avid Catholic with a few sins. Then I had an abortion. Then I felt shamed. Then I realized that women can't play a more important role in the church. Then my inspirational priest left. Then I realized that God does not have his hands in our life, he gave us the choice of free will and he does not dictate what happens to us. Then I realized that no matter how many good things I have done with my life, it may not outweigh the one terrible thing I always remind myself I have done. The one thing I know is a mortal sin. The one thing I beg for forgiveness for and now feel that maybe God is punishing me about. I truly worry that maybe I had my chance at motherhood and I gave it up and thus, I get no second chances. Whether it is God or the universe punishing me, I do not know. Maybe I am punishing myself. I know that there are repeat abortion offenders- it's in the news and brought up a lot when the topic is discussed. I know there are many many unwed mothers, I know there are many many unfit mothers - I had one. I know that ANY CREATURE can have sex and give birth to a new life and that it takes not one ounce of love to do this. That being a mother used to be an instinct, but it is now a CHOICE a woman has to decide to make. It is a choice that I once shied from. I highly considered it back then. I thought, if I go home to my parents they will support me and I, we, can do this. I can do this. I can be a Mom. And I was met with shame and with disdain and with embarrassment. "Take care of this" was not what I expected from my Italian American Catholic mother. So I made my choice. And I regret it now more than ever. I thought I didn't regret it when I graduated. I thought I didn't regret it when I pursued a career and a life. I thought I didn't regret it when I met and courted my now husband. I thought I didn't regret it.
But now, I am reminded every month. Now, I am reminded everytime I see or hear an announcement. Now, I am reminded with every baby shower I am invited to, with every "come over and meet our baby" phone call, with every christening, with every first birthday party. The round of second baby announcements sends a new wave of hurt, as I am stuck waiting for #1. I have less and less people to spend time with, I have even less people I can talk to about my plight. People who came to me for comfort because they knew I was going through this, are also finding themselves showered with 'baby dust' and expecting.
It has made me unable to enjoy the good things in my life. I've been on vacations, I've bought a house, I learned to ride and bought a motorcycle. I have been leasing a horse and really revamped his body and mind and even took him to a show- we won a 1st place ribbon! I am an accomplished young lady with lots of exciting things happening all the time... and yet this one thing is an anchor keeping me down in a deep murky pool of sadness.
Maybe. Someday. I'll figure this shit out.
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