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TTC update, 2 years of infertility

In August 2016, I wrote a post called "Making babies... it's not that easy". And today, a year later I have the same feelings about that statement.

We started TTC in AUgust 2015, 2 months after we got married when we were in Europe on our honeymoon. It was a magical time, we stayed in a rooftop loft in Rome, had a balcony overlooking the sea and Mt Vesuvius in Sorrento, and ate gelato in the squares of Florence. Absolutely fairytale-esque. But no baby came from that honeymoon, and no baby has yet to come into our hearts and arms.

I have spent money on ovulation prediction kits, a cycle tracking app, and pre-natal vitamins.

I have watched almost all of our friends become parents.

I have watched my (sorry, here comes a rant) mooching 30-something-year-old sister suck the life out of my parents as they helped her raise her first kid, and then proceeded to have a second one.

I have had blood work run and been palpated.

My husband has done tests.

I am going for another procedure/test that I'm just going to take the day off for because I'm sure it will be emotionally draining.

I have gone to baby showers and christenings and first birthday parties.

I have cried. Ugly cried. Wailed.

 I have drank myself silly to numb my pain.

I have heard "You'll be/You're next!" "Now it's your turn!" "Just stop worrying/stressing/thinking about it and it will happen!" "You look good with a baby!" "It will happen when it's meant to happen". "Maybe God thinks you're not ready yet".

I have held my stomach when my period is due and begged God that this be the month. . .

I have over analyzed my body and any 'symptoms' and given myself false hopes.

I have put off making big life decisions and changes, because "What if I get pregnant"?

I have tried to 'prove' to friends, family, my parents, my spouse- that I would be GREAT at this. That I can DO this and do it WELL.

I have given myself depression because I cannot take the anxiety associated with TTC.

So here I am, two years later. 20lbs heavier. Hair grayer. Home owner. Horse lease-er and show-er. Motorcycle rider (and soon to be owner). Crazy Aunt Jazz. Fur Mama. Wife. Jazzy. Feisty.
And I am incomplete without my own little ray of sunshine. But we aren't losing hope- and neither should you.

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