I have been catching up on this topic of a young woman who got drunk, and while drunk, was sexually assaulted by another drunk person-- who turns out to be a an outstanding student athlete at Stanford. That being said. Let me tell you about a young woman who was sexually assaulted at a D 3 school.... That didn't make any headlines.
In 2005 an 18 year old woman was drinking in the freshman dorms on campus. She and a few friends went to a party in a 6-man suite. At some point, someone forcibly poured vodka down her throat from a handle. That's when things got out of control.
(Now some may ask "How was she forced to drink??" Have you ever had someone bigger and stronger and taller than you make you do something? Even if it was the stupidest thing, other people can MAKE YOU do things. They can force you to do things. That is a reality. You didn't want to jump in the water- but it was a better alternative than being hit by that train/bus/car/person running at you/ __________(insert or incident). You didn't want to drink from that disgusting cheap vodka handle but when someone else puts it to your mouth FORCIBLY, you can spit all you want to but some is going to go down. And if they don't stop at your sputtering, some can become a LOT.)
Music is pumping, people are having a good time. The young woman starts to feel DRUNK. Losing control of words, motor skills, intuition. She's smiling because, why not? It's warm and fuzzy and fun here. A handsome football player comes over and sits next to her, rubs up against her to the beat of the music, her head falls on his shoulder, his arm goes around her, he's whispering sweet nothings in her ear and she's responding with... nothing. Words that DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. Words she WON'T REMEMBER. She's a rag doll. He's big. He sneaks in a kiss. She remembers that. Things start to get hazy as he slips his hand up her shirt. She says no, or was it "not here" -because that's what he'll say it sounded like later. He motions to his buddy, who's got a girl in a similar situation.
They lift the two young women and carry them ACROSS THE HALLWAY to their respective dorm room- a 2 man suite. They lay the young ladies down. The initial young lady is tired, not comprehending. She grabs the covers and snuggles up. The guy has no intentions on going to sleep. The couple on the next bed over are knee deep in something or another. The young woman starts to get heavy headed, drowsy, blacks out... comes to and the guy is on top of her- thrusting away. She takes it in for a moment. Is this really happening? Who the F*ck is this guy? I think I've seen him around... wait what is going on??? She pushes him away, mumbles incoherently, starts looking for her clothes. As she is scrambling, he tags his buddy and they SWITCH GIRLS. He climbs on top and starts the kissing and groping and he seems sweet but she's still confused. The foreplay doesn't last long before he spreading her legs with his and trying to get it in. And now she's not so incoherent anymore. And she says "no", and "stop" and she claws at him. Apparently clawing is a turn on. He leans into her and gets it in, and she's crushed under him until he sits up just enough. And then she rolls out from under him and right off the bed. They others laugh- it's an awkward moment when you fall off a bed drunk, naked, and in the middle of a hot mess. He reaches out for her but she's spotted her clothes. She throws them on, grabs things like her bra and panties and just gets out. Tears are starting to flow and she stumbles down the hall. She hears the door she came from creak open and she runs-- runs to the first thing she recognized... her buddies name on his room door. And after three bangs he opens and sees the state she's in and lets her right in. And she's crying and drunk and holding things she should be wearing and he knows something is wrong. So he put her to bed and he does not do anything but comfort.
In the morning, he asks her what she remembers. She remembers coming to in the room and not wanting to be there, to be a part of this. She remembers them switching. She remembers saying no and clawing and trying to get away. And then finally breaking free and stumbling away.
And ya know what- he's not thinking badly of her, he's feeling badly for her. He's knowing she got in over her head and that someone took advantage. And he's telling her he will go with her to security and the hospital and the RAs and whoever they think will make this right. Because she lives in that building too. She walks those halls. He knows she'll have to face these same people, every day. She even knows their names. She knows their faces. She tells him there was another girl too... There was another girl that night who may be VICTIMIZED as well. As they mull over it, rumor crops up that THERE IS A VIDEO. SHE IS IN IT.
And they go to the RA. And the RA takes this seriously and takes them to campus security. Campus security has to call the cops. They have to bring in a female detective to deal with this sort of situation. They call her parents and the detective hands her the phone and it's her father and she can only cry. Afraid he'll be mad at her. He wants to know names. He wants to come up there with a baseball bat. He's livid. He let his little girl go away to college and weeks in this happens. He was unable to protect her. Her mother tells her later on that it was a sleepless night for them, and they actually got in the car and turned back for fear of what might happen.
The detective takes her to the hospital. They swab under her nails to correlate the story, and of course- the dreaded "rape kit". She feels less like a freshman and more like fresh meat with every step. And by the time they get her back to campus, there is an assembly waiting to meet with her. The RA had to tell the AC about the incident, so the head of residential life is there. They've read and re-read the report, the accusations. They offer to let her spend the weekend in another dorm while they investigate the names she's given and get reports and accounts. She settles on staying with a friend for the weekend.
She goes away, lets things "calm down" or work themselves out. Just for the weekend. She gets a follow-up call form the female detective. It is heartfelt, she says they met with the guys and took statements, they were even able to track down the other girl. They're going to take the results to the school and we will all meet Monday night- the guys won't be involved, it will just be about what the next steps she wants to take are.
Monday rolls around. Classes are easy- it's walking to classes where she feels everyone staring at her (or are they??) It's walking past guys in football t shirts and sweatshirts and cringing. It's keeping her head up even though she wants to hide. Her guy friend is great, so are the girlfriends she spent the weekend with. She has a 7pm meeting. That time rolls around and she says she'll see her friends after. She meets up with the RA she had confided in and he escorts her to the security office where they have a conference room. He is told he can leave. All of a sudden, there's no really familiar faces. The detective isn't there. There's school officials and an officer but he's not asked to come into the conference room. They sit her down. They go over the report. they don't mention the rape kit. What they do mention is this :
"You know you are underage and you were drinking when this occurred?" "...Yes" "You know that underage drinking is not tolerated here" "...." "We spoke with the other parties involved. The other girl wants to be left out of this because she says her actions were consensual." "OK..." "Since you were highly intoxicated, we cannot be sure that your actions were not at some point consensual. One of the gentlemen you accused says at some point you said yes".......... "You have made some heavy accusations towards your peers and yet we deem that you were under the influence and they cannot be upheld".... "We have instructed the other parties involved and will instruct you as so- just stay away from them".
Speechless. Slaps on the wrist. All because I WAS DRUNK. My report, it meant nothing. I have copies- it's word for word what I wrote here. I even mention some things are hazy and fuzzy. I got to see the other reports, names were blanked out. I could see where the other girl backed out, didn't want any trouble. I could see THE MENTION OF THE VIDEO- they couldn't find it. Yes, someone in the 6 man has a video camera. No there is no video from that night. I can see where the one guy said he thoguht I said "Not here" so he took me across the hall. I can see where the other guy said "she scratched me but I thought girls do that when they like it". I can see where they asked if I fought back, if I struggled and the guy says "I didn't notice if she did". I can see where they ask if I said anything before I left and the answer is "She appeared upset but I thought she was embarrassed that she fell off the bed". They tell me that if I want to switch dorms, I can go through the proper channels (requests in writing to and RA and AC with a reason and find someone to switch with). They had told the detectives "they were handling the case from here", they would deal with it internally. I am told that if I wanted to press charges, the school would not support me. I was told they were doing me a favor by not persecuting me or expelling me on a charge of underage drinking -which technically they couldn't do because they were not THERE when I was drunk, but if I made a case and it was based on the fact that I was underage drunk then they would have to treat me as if they had seen it themselves and they cannot tolerate underage drinking. I was told to leave the guys alone. Not to confront them. Not to seek out and speak to the other girl. I was told if I stepped out of line again that semester, that YEAR, I would be on the fast track to expulsion.
Me. The victim? Not a victim? Asking for it? "rape culture"? Party culture? Alcohol and sexual promiscuity??
This is why young men continue to rape women.This is why so many men believe that they can do whatever they please to a woman’s body without accountability.This is the reason so many victims of sexual assault never step forward.
This article about the myths of Rape and "party/rape culture" is pretty good: http://www.bustle.com/articles/165359-7-rape-myths-from-brock-turners-friend-leslie-rasmussens-statement-debunked
I don't tell many people this tale. My now husband knows about it. My father, my mother, my close friends from college. Only one of my sisters knows about it- and that's only after she told me of a similar story. What are the odds that 2 young women from the same family both got assaulted at different times and different places and by different men but under the same pretenses... they were drunk. ? I may have even told one of my older cousins about this after she told me she doesn't allow men she doesn't know REALLY REALLY well to touch her because she's been assaulted.
I know now that I should have stuck up for myself. They were invested in the football players, they had given them scholarships. They were not so invested in me, the little loudmouth no-name horse girl. They didn't care I came to them with a 3.8 GPA and that the two guys wouldn't make it past freshman year. We were in the middle of football season when this happened. They probably needed their players. This is what I felt afterwards- used, cast aside, dirty, ashamed, not valuable. I still feel it today when I get letters in the mail from my ALMA MATER (I attended 4 years there after this incident), when I remind myself they told me to sit down and shut up and get over it- they did nothing FOR ME. The institution that is the school, they GET NOTHING FROM ME. $100,000 to attend was enough.
I am sharing this because its a hot topic right now- it's trending. So maybe others who have been assaulted will read this and they know that yeah, most of the time someone will be out there trying to shut you up. BUT YOU HAVE TO FIGHT IT. You have to stand up when you know you are the victim. And you will get by, and then you will start living again. And you will make mistakes like drink too much or party too hard with the wrong people) but you cannot be afraid to live. You cannot be bullied by people who will tell you that what someone DID TO YOU was your fault. If they forced you, if they forced themselves on you, if they took it without asking/without permission/without consent- It is not your fault--- doesn't matter if you are stone sober, high as a kite, or drunk.
Read this-- it speaks volumes!! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-pavlovitz/to-brock-turners-father-from-another-father_b_10339418.html
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